Help fight terrorism and Nazis

Today has me more excited than William Shatner getting a new toupee.  Captain America 2 comes out today.  It’s like July 4th, but with less fireworks and more terrorist ass beatings.  Sure, you don’t have to watch it, maybe you’re busy…HELPING AL QAEDA KILL BALD EAGLES!  That’s a joke, bald eagles don’t die.  They fake their deaths, then strike when the terrorists least expect it.

The preliminary movie reviews are overwhelmingly positive.  It would be 100%, but commies have probably infiltrated the movie review scene.  I knew something was amiss when Air Bud didn’t win Best Picture.  Damn freedom haters.

In Captain America’s first movie he fought Nazis.  Maybe you think that wasn’t real.  Nazis aren’t real?  Are you a Holocaust denier?  Well, then, you better prove not and watch this movie, Himmler!

I will have to make sure that no one ruins my experience tonight.  I’m thinking I pat down everyone in the theater and confiscate cell phones.  I should probably bring muzzles and a taser also in case anyone speaks during the film.  I definitely will also bring extra copies of the Bill of Rights and American flags to pass out to all the Liberty lovers…I wonder if they’ll let me shoot off fireworks in the theater…that would be crazy.  A movie like this deserves a full cannon.  Anyone have a mule team?