I host a show every Monday at Rehab Tavern. The format is “open mic (or mike)”, so anyone that shows up and signs up gets stage time. The audience gets free jokes, or at least our attempts, and the comics get to practice/get much needed attention to fill the hole inside.
This week the show started and an idiot was making a bit of a ruckus, trying to heckle me, but too wasted to say anything coherent or witty. As I was monitoring the time for the first comic, the drunk and his two friends approached me. The woman, reeking of smoke, spoke first. “My friend did stand-up in Kansas City and wants to go up. He needs to go next though, not last.” Already, I’m agitated. One thing I’ve learned in comedy – when someone says they used to do comedy in another state, they’re full of shit. Second thing, you’re the last person to approach and you HAVE to go now? We will see about that, jerky.
Then the tall one in the group held out some cash. Suddenly, I was ready to oblige. “He needs to go now. Here’s $20.” I can’t put your friend on now. “Why not? I’ll give you $100.” He can’t go now because I just saw him go to the bathroom. Unless you want me to stretch the microphone to the bathroom, it ain’t happening. “OK, next after that.” Before the cash disappeared, I snaked the money like a viper. Money trumps principle.
The sauced rube hit the stage after this back and forth. “You mf’ers stole my identity. I got my identity stolen. They gave it back, I guess it sucked.” Then he stood there for a full minute murmuring he couldn’t think of anything else to say. “This is hard. You guys aren’t laughing! I’m done.” He walked off. $20 for 75 seconds of human excrement. Good job, now go get a DUI like you do every Monday. His performance actually inspired two regulars to hit the stage and they didn’t do half bad. Of course, they had personalities and some level of sobriety, so that helps too.