I saw this on Facebook. I don’t know how it works, if you’re supposed to be tagged or poked or messaged, but I need a blog topic, so here goes.
1) I have had five concussions. I fell off a jungle gym, got hit the face with a baseball, helmet to helmet collision in football, headbutted in the ear in a rugby match, and drunken wrestling. It hasn’t affected me that I know of, but if you slap me in the head, I’ll probably shit my pants or start drooling.
2) My original dream job was to be a ‘Merican history professor. See above. Plus I say ‘Merican, so it’s probably for the best I’m not.
3) My backup dream job would be to beat up people that abuse kids or animals. This job doesn’t exist, but if anyone knows of an opening, I would love to interview for it. “What are your credentials, Mr. Coen?” I punch until I get tired. “You’re hired!”
4) I once struck out 13 batters in a six inning baseball game my team lost 17-3. It was actually three, but thanks to a typo in the Zanesville Times Recorder, I had the highest strikeout ratio in recorded history for a pitcher that lost by 14 runs.
5) I lost an art contest in fifth grade gifted class. The teacher stuck a ribbon on me that said, “Least Elaborate.” I picked up a chair and tossed it off the wall. If I ever attend her funeral, I’m sticking a “Least Alive” ribbon on her coffin.
6) Shockingly, my best post-comedy show sales in both shirts and DVD’s came in a town of 2,000 people. At a Senior Citizen Event Center. I should have played the lottery that night.
7) If I was a super hero, my weakness would be a TV station that constantly played 80’s action movies. Especially Road House. I am like a fly in a spider web when Dalton starts spin-kicking rednecks. “Foiled again! Damn you Patrick Swayze!”