I was watching the “Funniest Person in Columbus” contest several years back and there was guy who looked like Mitch Hedberg, except fat and drunker. He had never done a show before and I noticed pre-show he was hammering Long Island Iced Teas and Buds (this is common, I had nine beers in an hour and a half before I did my first show). I was watching the show and the emcee said his name to bring him up. He didn’t move. “Hey, I think that’s you.” He looked over and said, “Sweet.” He then took about two uncomfortable minutes to meander to the stage.
Once up, he went into a nice bit about shaving his pubes with a butter knife to make his dick look bigger. It was about 3-4 minutes and I pretty much just recapped it 100% for you, minus the dry heave where I thought he was going to yorf. At the four minute mark, he realized he had no other “jokes”. He proceeded to repeat the first joke. Word for word.
I lost my shit and was laughing so hard, I hit the ground and was crying. A table of young guys spun around, incredulous that I was laughing. I told them they would never watch something so awful and they should enjoy it. By the end, we were high fiving and laughing our asses off…and the entire crowd was staring at us. He finally got physically removed from the stage and passed me. From his lips to God’s ears – “I fucking killed it!” He then walked into the glass pane and dropped his drink, breaking the glass. He was booted. I never saw him again.