I hadn’t been to the state fair since 1992, so I thought what the hell, let’s give it the ol’ college try. God, I am stupid sometimes. At the gate, it was $10. $10, to walk in and…walk around. A person. As in each. Oh well, let’s take it all in! I, being a history buff (why is only history the one with buffs? No one calls me an alcohol buff) was excited to see the Civil War camp recreation. Then I walked up and realized it was eight pup tents and some old guns with big cards that said things like, “Union troops were called Billy Yank, Confederates were Johnny Rebs.” Wow, insightful. So insightful that some bearded hippie crawled into the last tent and fell asleep. In the tent. At the fairgrounds.
I debated what horrible treat to eat, but finally settled for a gyro, which was indeed horrible, both for me and in taste. That’s not cucumber sauce, carnie, that’s no label sour cream – and did you step on the pita beard? It tastes like shoes. My lady got a lemon shake up from a rather, shall I say, non-gym rat looking chick that another carny was trying to hit on while washing his boots with a hose. Her beverage tasted like a lemon shake up, but mixed with a gallon of old dishwater.
We then walked to the sports exhibit, which after a half mile, realized was not open. Neither was the snake exhibit. Or the other building. Oh look, the heritage arts is open! (Read: dumb country stuff like candles, candle holders, wood cut outs of candles, oh and those “funny” signs like “Get out of Grandma’s kitchen!” and “This property protected by an Alpaca!”)
I also hate carnival rides. When I was four or five, some kids got killed on one, so I have an inate distrust of them, which is not helped by the shifty appearance of the rat-like carnies. How can someone eat nothing but turkey legs and deep fried Marlboros and survive? Answer: More Marlboros, apparently. If I have kids, I think I’ll show them pictures of POW camps from third world countries and tell them that’s what the fair is like, but instead of imprisonment, people pay to go to the fair.
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