Yes, it’s true…but no one believes me. When I was in high school, my Mom brought home a stray male Golden Retriever from work that wandered into a car wreck scene. Unlike my current wimp, Stringbean, this dog was a real mean stray, which is weird for Goldens. I had the task of naming him, so I noticed he drank seven bowls of water that night and gave him the name of Joe Camel Coen, aka Joey (for the camel part, dummies).
Joey was a feisty lad and loved to kill things like birds and mice, so we were fast friends. One day, I was in the backyard and noticed the dog was sitting on the hill in the classic butt-dragging stance, but his two front paws were stroking away in unison. Upon a second look, he was pitching lipstick. Oh my God, this dog is jerking off…where’s my camera? I ran inside, with thoughts of fame and fortune, but by the time I grabbed it, my Mom was hitting the lonely bastard with a broom and yelling at him to stop. I dropped to my knees, asking God why the world was so cruel as to deny me the pic. I must be vigilant! It will happen again!
Well, it did happen once more, but once again, Mom intervened with the hose rather than the broom. I was crestfallen. I, in a rare display, berated my Mom for such a transgression. “I love you, Mom…but if you stop this dog before I get a picture, I may put you in a sleeper hold.” She finally relented and the stage was set.
I came home from school a few days later and let Joey out. I chugged a pop and went back out. My four year old neighbor Dustin was on all fours laughing as Joey was behind him, pumping away. “Look Chris! We’re dancing!” Son of a bitch! I ran up and punched Joey into next week. “Why’d you do that, Chris?” Ask grandma, little buddy. That’s above my paygrade. My neighbor told my Mom what happened and without my knowledge, Mom scheduled a very overdue neutering for Joe Camel…and he never touched himself again. I think a little part of me died that day. At least I’ll always have the memories of Ol’ Joey angrily and purposefully rubbing his red rocket like he was starting a fire. No one will ever take that away!