If you send a two paragraph email, then immediately call asking me the questions laid out in said email – please forgive me for not reading your grammatically incorrect ramblings in three seconds. Let me make it up to you by punching you in the coccyx.
If you are directly behind me and our lane is stopped…guess what? I want to get over also. That’s why my blinker is on, stupid. Therefore, don’t mash your gas and ram into the back of me. Actually, go ahead, whiplash is a motherfucker to prove in court and I need time off.
If you’re reading something, please don’t ask me questions that are directly in the information you’re reading. Example – “What time is your show?” 7:30. “Where is it?” Do you have the internet? It’s on my website, with a link to the tickets. It has the address and phone number! “Oh, I’m looking at your website…on my phone…that I’m calling you from?” Ah, in that case, my show is in a dark alley in the meat packing district. Wear a lot of gold and carry a lot of cash. Show kicks off at 2 am.
If you can’t keep up with the conversation, don’t talk. Example – Person A: “Hey are you watching the game?” Me: “Yes!” A: “Cool, let’s watch it at BW’s.” (Sliding in, interrupting) Person B: “I got a new game! It’s fun! Let me tell you about the cheat codes!” Me: “Wow, that’s great. Did you hear there’s a girl out back showing her boobs to everyone?” Then person A and I leave immediately.