I have performed in a lot of venues in 15 states throughout our great land, including comedy clubs, bars, restaurants, even places like a senior center, golf course clubhouses, parking lots, and a strip club. I have done well usually, with quite a few “eh!” shows and some downright bombs. I remember my first bombing was my fourth show ever. My two buddies came out to see me and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but one of my good friends from that show has never spoken to me since.
Friday’s show, however, holds a special place as the worst crowd ever. We did a couple, but the first actually went pretty well, despite the small turnout and constant interruptions from people walking in to buy food. Thank God the woman with the baby and four year old girl didn’t stick around for my set. I did a kid friendly show once and got out exactly 120 seconds’ worth of jokes. Thank you, good night!
The emcee went up first (as is usually the case, I am an ass…) and got the same response from these 15 people that I would get grabbing a microphone and doing a set for a lost rainforest tribe that had never seen a white man before. He was so happy to bail after doing his time I thought he would jump off the stage. The feature went up and got about three chuckles in his set. At this time, I noticed a pretty girl texting and another young lady turned her chair around with her back to the stage. I was instantly overcome with the realization that this show would suck for me.
I went up, faking interest as best I could and did all my crowd involvement jokes, using lines like “Who in here loves America?” Nothing. Commies. “You guys like sports?” Blank stares. FYI, this show was a fundraiser FOR A SPORTS ORGANIZATION. Now I’m getting pissed. I knew it wasn’t good when I asked the emcee, from the stage, if he had a gun so he could shoot me or let me turn loose a torrent of bullets on the crowd. Still, they stared at me blankly, except for texting girl, she wasn’t looking. I stand by my tweet from that night that I would have rather done a show for NAMBLA than those cold fish bitches. I would have beat some ass after said show, but at least they may have laughed once and not made me stand up there for 20 agonizing minutes talking to the silent oblivion of comedy.