Month: July 2012

This weekend I got to perform, not comedy, but in the dance that is meeting your significant other’s pals.  Best case, all goes well, but usually one of them hates your guts and plants seeds of discontent…or you go nuts trying to put on a good face for a bunch of psychos.  Trust me, there are people I hang out with that should be in jail – or used to be, so I owe the lady a few favors.

I rolled in and the ladies were very friendly, probably due to the copious amounts of alcohol being drank.  Good, we have something in common!  After a few pleasantries, all was well and the night was off and running – me and the girls!  We went to the jazz and rib fest, where apparently every poor person in Columbus goes annually.  I saw a 60 year old woman wearing Apple Bottom jeans and a bare midriff t-shirt, then a man rolling around on the ground with either another man or a very husky woman.  Ah, festivals, I hate you so.  We went to get some delicious ribs, but one of the ladies didn’t want to eat there, so we left.  Well, that was worth the trip.

This is where men and women differ very much.  Guys have none of this feeling called “empathy” so while we won’t remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other events, we also don’t put up with this “OK, one person doesn’t like this, let’s all suffer” bullshit.  Had the scenario been flipped, much ridicule would’ve ensued until all in the group verbally pummelled the objector into rib-eating submission.  I once got berated for 20 minutes not drinking the same beer as the group – and they were drinking light beer.  I’m sure even goth guys heckle each other into the ground over sloppy eye makeup.  Ironically, the place we wound up at had delicious food and I hate weird people in crowds, so it worked out.  Tune in tomorrow for more of my “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” Saturday, if you haven’t killed yourself yet reading about my plunging masculinity.

Unless you live a cave, you know the story by now.  Here’s my take…  As a huge college football fan, I always respected Joe Paterno, (except that Ohio State game he soiled himself) until now.  I wouldn’t have to make this radical statement but I read my local paper and one man wrote in saying Joe Pa should still be an icon and was innocent.  Sigh.  Here we go.

Joe Paterno and the other POS’s (pieces of shit, for the layman) found out Jerry Sandusky was diddling boys and did the only sane thing, turned it over to authorities.  Oh wait, they said “Bury it!  It’s bad press!  It might hurt recruiting!”  How’d that work out, dipshits?  You have worse press and 14 years of molestation ensued.  I hate child molestors with a fiery hate.  If I had a dream job, it would be to beat the urge out of pedos.  Honestly – that would make me very happy.  “I see you raped a kid…well, that makes no sense.  Excuse me while I pull your fingernails out with pliers and set fire to your genitals.”

In all logical twists and turns, I can’t make those actions add up, even if there weren’t kids involved at all.  “OK, you stole a candy bar.  That will look bad.  What you should do instead is rob a bank to get the attention off the candy bar theft.”  Strike one.  “Wow, we’ll get nailed on this crime.  I got it!  Let’s have a massive cover-up…that will look better when it comes down because I’m sure not one of the dozens of victims will talk ever.”  Try again.  One more thought also – there were actual, real boys involved.  So on a human level, Spanier, Schultz, Curley, and including Paterno are not human at all.  They’re animals.  Leave the statue of Joe Pa up, I say.  We all need somewhere to piss before a long football game.

I was supposed to have a softball game, but one bolt of lightning and the pussies cancelled it.  I had to pitch, so I was cool with that.  I rolled over the Funny Bone for the show and amazingly, only 8 comics were there.  There are 13 spots, so I got to emcee and close, but that’s not important – the new guys made the evening whole.

Magnum P.I. was back (see last week) and another new comic put on a George W. Bush mask onstage.  Fun!  My favorite though, was the college student wearing a women’s pink nurse scrub top, with boxer shorts, a scarf, and blue slippers.  He was gay, but had a very hillbilly accent and back hair billowing up from his shirt to a level that would startle a Viking.  He was actually so over the top, I laughed, but probably not for the right reasons.  He said he wanted to get to a better place without hillbillies, so he moved from the Ohio River…to Athens, Ohio.  Hmm.  Cosmopolitan!

All was good until the closer, where he sang (not well) his own version of Rod Stewart’s “If you think I’m sexy” (not that Rod Stewart sings worth a shit).  I don’t remember the whole thing, but one part stuck out.  “If you’ve got some poopy, on your droopy, you probably should’ve wrapped it up!”  Yes, he said that.  No, I did not have enough hand sanitizer on my person.  You folks see why you need to come to open mikes?  Case closed.

– I got an email saying the Baconator has a Facebook page.  It made sad, first that it exists, second, that I was emailed about it.

– There is a commercial for the Columbus Crew MLS team.  The announcer is British.  Come on, Crew.  You’re still MLS, let’s not act all British premier league on me.

– One of my neighbors has taken to opening and closing his door about every 50-90 seconds for an hour a night.  Another apparently wears boots of lead causing my floor to shake when he walks.  I feel like the lead character in The Tell-Tale Heart.  The sounds haunt my nightmares.  What have I done to deserve this repetitive and maddening game?

– I am refinancing my place.  I miss the old days, when they did it with no background checks or paperwork…but that is probably why the housing market collapsed.  “Hey, want a mortgage?  Give me two dollars and your Giant Eagle card!  Approved!”

I did a show at the Shadowbox Cabaret for the all new “Columbus Brew Ha-Ha.”  It was fun, although at first glance the crowd was very small.  It was rather depressing, since it was a free show.  That sucks, knowing with a free show, you don’t have enough pull to put asses in the seats, but in fairness, I didn’t know that until the very end.  By showtime over 40 people filed in and I think we were over 100 by my set.

I want to thank everyone that showed up, including some friends, my lady and a friend I hadn’t seen damn near since college – it was nice…except the three loud talking wenches in the back.  My pal Travis was up, doing a nice set, but all I could hear was the incessant babbling of their “I’m clueless and talk even though I’m ruining it for everyone in this quadrant of the room” conversation.  In Columbus, there are well over 1000 bars, including about 10-15 within walking distance, but yet, there always has to be the drunken idiots that rant about how much fun it is to get out!  Well, except this guy onstage is talking, what is that about?  Tee hee!

It’s always one of two – a drunk 21-28 year old attention needing gutter whore or even worse, a complete dbag with a tribal tattoo and gelled hair, trying very unconvicingly to cover up his hillbilly roots.  I have a nose for those guys, I am from Appalachia after all.  If you are surprised by a comedy show, despite the venue, multiple flyers, and oh, that’s right, the 95% of the rooom focused on someone with a mike, then leave!  Go to another bar, where some dude will listen to your boring stories to try and get in your pants.  Or if you’re the fake tan, frosted tip attention whore of a man, someone will smash a beer bottle over your head like your dad should’ve done in 1989.  Leave the comedians to their craft and let the audience enjoy our shitty jokes.

I am doing stand-up tonight at the Shadowbox Cabaret ion Columbus.  www.columbusbrewhaha.com for tix.  In honor of sketch comedy, here’s something I did in the not too distant past.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2H9_3JMulg