Month: May 2012

I was going to review the Avengers, but it’s sweet and most of you probably saw it that cared.  Recap: Super Heroes kick serious bad guy ass.  Amazingly, for so many personalities, it was well done and the dialogue was well-written.  If that’s not enough, Scarlett Johannson wears black spandex.  If that’s not your cup of tea, so does Jeremy Renner.  Enjoy.

I had a show last weekend in a small town.  The place was nice and the food was good, but when I walked into the showroom after my intro, the emcee said, “Oh, and a couple more announcements.”  I stood just behind him awkwardly, as he rattled off a few news and notes type things.  Are you ready to rock?  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Rolling Stones!  Oh, I almost forgot, there’s a blue Suzuki in row G – Hey, hold up, Mick Jagger!  There’s a car with its headlights on!

The crowd was good, but it was one of those “left/right” orientations, where I had to look completely left or completely right and I hate that shit.  Forget any facial expressions, plus no eye contact with half the room who sees your back for at least 50% of the show.  I need a Tupac hologram of myself, maybe with all the millions I make doing comedy, I’ll buy the software soon.

After the show, the bartender, who was very cool suddenly became less so when he said, “I don’t care what your politics are, but I’m a _____.”  That goes two ways, I don’t care about yours either!  He prattled on, but I was messing with my phone like I had a text message I had to answer, which was fun, because I had no service at all.  I even made the “concerned” look, like “Hmmm.  That’s not a good text message.  I better take this outside really quickly…”  Ah, still got it after all these years.

I’ll spare everyone from a movie review because I don’t want to be a dick…yet.  No promises for Monday.  I got together with some pals and went to the release of the Avengers.  Buying movie tickets is a pain in the ass.  I went online and all the 3D was sold out, so I had to call.  I love the automatic movie lady voice.  “Say the name of the movie.”  Me: The Avengers.  “I don’t recognize that.  I’ll list the movies.  Dark Shadows?  Marvel’s the Avengers?”  Son of bitch, that’s what I said!  Give me tickets!  Five minutes later, I got the reservations…and when I got to the theater the kiosks were down.  Good timing, at least there’s only seven rooms sold out and 40 people in line.

I noticed every Avenger was represented in costume, even Nick Fury and Hawkeye, but both those costumes were worn by ladies.  I also saw a She-Hulk, but Captain America and Thor were the most popular.  Nerds.  What kind of douche wears an outfit to a movie?

The movie was great and Hulk smashed a lot of shit, which is fun.  If you don’t like it, take it up with this guy.  He fights Nazis.

 

I emceed the Columbus Funny Bone’s “Open Mike Talent Search, 2012” last night.  Usually the first round (of four) is a shit show filled with good comics and a couple newbs giving their all to an apathetic crowd who are there to see their pals.  I will shock most of you…I had a blast.

The crowd is usually tighter than the asshole of a someone sucking on lemons, but as I opened the show, they were loving my slightly above average humor.  They even loved my one-liners between comics, which is one of my trademarks.  I hate when an emcee says, “This next comic is a close, personal friend of mine” or “This next comic performs at clubs and colleges all over the USA.”  It’s never true, so why say it?  Trust me, I bomb some lines, but it’s worth a shot.

I hit tonight after a “nerd” comic went up.  I said, “I could rip this guy for being a nerd, but I’m going to the midnight showing of The Avengers tomorrow.  If you think that’s lame, I’ll bash you with my Captain America shield, hippie.”  I loved this line, because 1) I love Captain America 2) I hate hippies and 3) I love Captain America and hate hippies.  Another comic talked about graduating, so I mentioned graduations.  “You can tell someone’s life is going to suck by judging how excited their family is by their 9th grade graduation.  I went to school with a guy who raised both arms after getting his 9th grade diploma.  Hope you paid attention in chemistry, you’re going to need that when you cook meth.”

Both lines killed and I felt good doing some new stuff.  Even for one liners/three liners.  Now time to rest up, The Avengers is on at midnight!  (In all seriousness, why does Captain America, other than maybe the Hulk, need these other people?  He loves freedom, so these Asgardian monsters have no shot  Now excuse me, I have to shine my shield.)

Me and some pals went to Cleveland last weekend to watch Jim Norton’s new special taping…and to drink copious amounts of alcohol.  I didn’t know the majority of people in the group and it was interesting to say the least.  It is easier to get a mule to move than it is to get a group of people drinking moving towards a common destination.  As soon as everyone agrees to leave, someone cracks a beer then it all resets and cycle continues.

The show was interesting, because about 25% of the room looked and acted like they just got out of, or were due to return to, prison.  They announced no taping, photos, recording, etc., then booted a couple people for promptly doing just that.  We went out drinking after and one of my new buddies cut a fart so awful at an Irish bar, I legitimately saw three people leave the bar.  A woman came over from about 20 feet away and started screaming “Who farted?  I want to buy you a drink, that’s the most putrid fart I ever smelled!”  Well, that’s even stranger than the fart in the first place.  In retrospect, though, for all the times I got shot down by other factors in bars, maybe I could have softened the blow of rejection by carpet bombing half a room with mustard farts.  Actually, no, that woman was just straight up insane.

Two in group ended up vomiting, one that night – not due to drinking as much as the overwhelming smell of urine in one of the bars; the other the next morning for taking ibuprofen on an empty stomach.  Or maybe it was a remnant of that fart he caught.  If I ever find out what that guy ate, I will take up a crusade to destroy all traces of that food from the earth.  A couple more like that and Cleveland will have the population of Tombstone.

No, I’m not referring to that pothead down the hall’s dorm room in college, I’m referring to the area where big stars of comedy, music and the like get to relax before the show.  At my level, it’s not always very glamourous.  That said, most of the rooms don’t have one at all.  My show last weekend was nice, but it was in a theater – one room.  So the green room was the alley behind the building.

Nothing says posh settings like another drunk comedian peeing between cars or a homeless man rooting through the cigarettes, looking for one just long enough to get a hit from.  That’s not humor, I’ve actually seen those before my act.  The best part about a separate area, though, is that you don’t have to interact with anyone.  There’s nothing more awkward than not having your best set, then walking right over to the bar that just watched you eat it and attempt to sit civily with them.  All the while, you don’t feel stares, you feel the non-stares as the crowd attempts to break their necks to avoid making eye contact with the lowly failed jester.  Away with thee!  Wench, pour another flagon of ale!  This still beats the lonely t-shirt sales pitch after a show when no one buys anything, but it’s a close second sitting next to a guy with a sleeveless tee and mesh Jack Daniel’s hat purposely turning his stool away from you, silently judging you between shots of Old Crow washed down with Bud Ice and Marlboro Mediums.