The grocery store is an amazing place, even for non-fatties. You can get fresh food from all across the spectrum, pick up medicine and drugs if you’re sick, even fuel perks, a state liquor agency, and stamps can be had, all thanks to your local grocery. However, when people go, all rules of civil society are tossed out the window and it suddenly, when busy, resembles The Lord of Flies. Due to this, I have identified several violators who must be stopped/executed immediately.
– Person who waits on a parking spot closer to the store, even though there are at least seven withing 15 feet of the one they insist on logjamming traffic to get. Hey assneck, if you’re not handicapped and and can’t walk the extra four strides to keep me and three other cars stopped for 60 extra seconds, go die.
– To oblivious person, usually a white trash woman with a Tasmanian Devil t-shirt talking loudly on her cell, please don’t leave your cart on one side of the aisle while your fat ass is blocking the other. It’s not my fault your feeble brain can’t converse and pick out the right flavor of Pop-Tarts at the same time. MOVE YOUR ASS OR CART TO ONE SIDE! Oh, and if you don’t move, don’t think your dirty look means anything to me when I ram your stupid cart with mine – I did it on purpose.
– Old lady writing a check. You must go to a home immediately. At least have the check ready while the teenager is scanning your bran flakes. “Oh, you mean I need pay now? Hmm, let me dig out this checkbook from my old lady purse that probably once held the Dead Sea Scrolls…where am I again? What store is this?”
– Bluetooth man – you’re in a grocery store. You don’t look cool and the hands free function is convenient, but you’re buying two items. Quit the douchery and use a damn phone.
– Person perplexed by the self-scanner. It’s been out for a decade. Learn it. Embrace it. Or get the fuck back to the old checkout line. I will roll up this US Weekly and smack you so hard, you’ll have the whole Kardashian family tattooed on your pimpled face.
Thanks for your time and God bless America. Except the people I mentioned above. You people burn in hell.