I am tired and don’t feel like blogging, so in honor of the Avengers coming out this week, I thought I would share this for fans of the Hulk…and Pee Wee Herman. Enjoy.
I am famous as shit
I was featured (with four other comedians) in this week’s Columbus Alive!, a nice local paper that was covering us, and the Columbus comedy scene as a whole. Here’s the article link – http://www.columbusalive.com/content/stories/2012/04/26/columbus-comedy-scene-five-wholl-make-you-laugh.html
The article was great and I really appreciate the press covering a scene that we really do bust our asses trying to entertain people, despite the pitfalls and bumps. I was really nervous, though, due to a couple articles in the past that still make me laugh. Example one: My former college roommate and great friend Justin Camp won the “Funniest Person in Columbus” in 2008 and was interviewed by the local paper. The new reporter asked him what his influences were, to which he responded – “I remember watching Pauly Shore movies and somehow from that I watched stand-up and loved it.” The quote in the paper was, “Justin’s goal in life is to someday open for Pauly Shore.” Oops. I gave him an endless beating over that one.
The other was when I won the same contest later and we had to submit a pic. The only one we had was Camp and I, drunk, with our arms around each other’s shoulders laughing. Right under that picture was this – “Camp and Coen have had a special bond since they lived together.” Great, we’re life partners. Thanks for that.
In recap, though, Jesse did a great article (and Tessa took some great pics – I actually smiled, which is rare) and I have to thank them and Columbus Alive for everything. Now that I’m super famous, I have to disown most of my friends and find cooler ones. Sorry, normies! I’m a superstar!
New podcast – check it out!
http://jakeiannarino.com/2012/04/the-420-hangover-episode/ Guesting on the Reprobate Travelcast – enjoy!
People that need beat down
If you send a two paragraph email, then immediately call asking me the questions laid out in said email – please forgive me for not reading your grammatically incorrect ramblings in three seconds. Let me make it up to you by punching you in the coccyx.
If you are directly behind me and our lane is stopped…guess what? I want to get over also. That’s why my blinker is on, stupid. Therefore, don’t mash your gas and ram into the back of me. Actually, go ahead, whiplash is a motherfucker to prove in court and I need time off.
If you’re reading something, please don’t ask me questions that are directly in the information you’re reading. Example – “What time is your show?” 7:30. “Where is it?” Do you have the internet? It’s on my website, with a link to the tickets. It has the address and phone number! “Oh, I’m looking at your website…on my phone…that I’m calling you from?” Ah, in that case, my show is in a dark alley in the meat packing district. Wear a lot of gold and carry a lot of cash. Show kicks off at 2 am.
If you can’t keep up with the conversation, don’t talk. Example – Person A: “Hey are you watching the game?” Me: “Yes!” A: “Cool, let’s watch it at BW’s.” (Sliding in, interrupting) Person B: “I got a new game! It’s fun! Let me tell you about the cheat codes!” Me: “Wow, that’s great. Did you hear there’s a girl out back showing her boobs to everyone?” Then person A and I leave immediately.
The pros and cons of being Amish
There is a show on Nat Geo (that’s what Nat’l Geographic is called now, it’s so sophisticated, they think you’re too dumb to say “geographic”) about Amish, mostly focusing on ex-Amish. I was flipping and caught one where a girl wanted to BECOME Amish. I capitalized that because it blew my mind, but I, being known across the land as tolerant of all voices broke it down.
Pros – 1) Women have to listen to men. Since this always happens to me now, this is kind of a wash. 2) Home cooked meals! Every night! 3) You can “shun” people. This seems fun. 4) That’s about it, unless you want to learn German. 5) Oh, and cool old-timey names likes Ephraim and Cephus.
Cons – 1) A lot of hymns. Hymns stink. Drop the chords a full step and power chord those up, I am falling asleep. 2) No anything – internet, TV, movies, hell even radio. How would you hear Chris Coen’s comedy? 3) Hair buns on women. Nothing says, “I don’t enjoy sex” like a nice hair bun. 4) No alcohol. How do you get buzzed? Have a horse kick you in the head? 5) Working in pants in the fields. I don’t like golf, but I get annoyed when told to wear pants on the links because camo shorts are too WT, let alone plowing a field in black homespun slacks. Yuck.
Well, that does it – beer and metal prevail over fresh rolls and mule kicks. Good luck, though, to the Amish convert. Make sure you shave below the neck before you get in, it’s your last shot.
Uncle Coen’s fire-ass chili
This cold snap inspired me to make another delicious batch of my secret recipe, Uncle Coen’s fire-ass chili. The only one who knows the recipe is me, and my Golden Retriever, Stringbean, and he’s not talking. Mostly because he’s a dog, and if he tells you the secret, you have schizophrenia and need serious help. Take your pills, nutty.
I can’t cook. I have been known to just cook some ground beef and dump cheese and condiments on it and eat until I feel ill. However, this chili should put me on the Food Network. If only I had a catch phrase and was charasmatic. My buddy Camp ate it once then told me a week later it was delicious, but he couldn’t get out of the bathroom for four days. Perfect! My nose is running right now from sampling my masterpiece right now, actually.
My only regret was I started making it last night and after handling jalapenos, chili spices and hot sauce, I thought it was a good idea to take out my contacts since my eyes were watering. As soon as I touched my right eye, the burning hot fire overcame my senses and I realized I forgot to wash my hands. After five minutes doubled over, I realized I should call it Uncle Coen’s dumb ass chili (because I am stupid). Back to store-brand mini ravoli and meat casseroles for me.