I took my dog to our softball finale last night and he loved it. Not to be that guy, but everyone loves my dog – thus the blog. My parents called in 2004 and said a stray Golden Retriever wandered in the neighborhood. They had two and asked if I would take him. He was fully grown, but rail thin (hookworms, whipworms, and eating out of trash piles will do that). I named him Stringbean Staley (after Alice in Chains lead singer Layne) Coen. My first dog was Joe Camel Coen, what am I going to do, name him Phil? Dogs deserve dumb names.
Bean is the most loyal dog ever, but also the biggest pussy for a 93 lb. dog ever (he put on weight once I got him). They put a new street sign up at my condo and for over a year he took a wide berth and stared at it like it was firing bullets at him. A vet told me he was beaten. If I had three wishes, one would be to rule the world. #2 would be to rule the world. #3 would be to find that son of bitch that beat his housebroken Golden and let him know no one messes with my boy (I’ll never have children, this is all I have) as I beat him into a state of paralysis.
I got him neutered b/c he is quite the rapist. Post surgery, he has still nailed two bitches. The best was two years after losing his jumblies, he still mounted a female in heat and got stuck. The owner was losing his mind and it was 3 am, so we were pretty loaded. He screamed for me to do something, so I pushed him, but they were “locked”. They stood ass to ass until the lady’s lady parts released ol’ Beano. It looked like a two barrelled gun as they shot off in two directions at mach 2. By the way, try chasing a dog drunk while laughing…
My favorite part of having a dog is that I degrade him verbally and he wags his tail every time. “Hi stupid! Did you eat your own poop today? You’re so dumb! (Tail wagging) I hate you Bean! Get a job, stupid hippie Bean! (Tail wagging more vigorously). It’s like I have my own “Muggsy” from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. “Duh, which way did he go boss?” “Shut up Muggsy. Shut up shuttin’ up.” I love dogs.
