– Use “we” even if you are not an alumni. Example: ‘We” played great Saturday. Granted, you’re in your 30’s, drank 12 beers, and did not attend the campus, but you really helped out. Good game.
– If your team wins by blowout, assume you should be number one. If your team plays a close one, your coach should be fired OR the 1-7 team you played is better than their record. If your team loses, your coach should be fired AND the refs cheated. If your team gets blown out, your coach should be executed. Oh and that team that won pays its players.
– If your team is better at running than passing and is successful, your coach runs a “tough” or “throwback” offense. If they’re not successful, your coach is a caveman and must be fired. If your team has a great passing game and wins, your coach runs a dynamic, explosive offense. If they lose, your coach is a pussy and is driving recruits away with his sissy gameplan. Get back to basics.
– Assume you and no one else has the perfect plan to fix football forever. It’s all about money, blah blah blah, but YOUR plan is flawless and will usher a new era of perfection into college athletics. Hell, speaking of that, you have the perfect plan for Congress, Middle East peace, and gas prices. If only someone would listen to you.
– Your rival school’s fans are all complete boobs. They worship Satan, beat their children, and are completely irrational. How can they not like your team? They clearly hate America and Jesus and world peace. They must be viciously attacked, but preferably on a blog posts or random letter to a newspaper editor. Oh, and ESPN hates your favorite team and has an agenda against it. That’s obvious, even to (fill in the blank) fans.
Exactly!