CHRIS COEN

Well not really, but I was researching honeymoon info online, when suddenly, Twilight came on my television.  “Twilight.  We should change this.”  I then heard the most horrifying sentences from my fiancee.  “I haven’t seen this in a while.  I want to watch it.”  Dear Lord, I’m about to watch this movie.

Here’s a recap, in case you’ve never seen it.  Girl somehow dates a vampire who has a big family of vampires in a town of about 2000 people.  Somehow, no one knows they’re vampires.  They fight, love, breakup, love, then there are vampire fights, then love, then he dumps her, more vampire fights and they get back together.  Then the damn second one came on.  The vamp left town, so she did want every girl does, she started flirting with a werewolf boy.  Then the vamp realizes he needs her and the wolf boy doesn’t like it, but they’re cool so more vampires fight over her delicious blood and/or love.  Holy crap, no one in this town of idiots knows there is a monster mash going on every night?  I pondered things such as this, while I sat down to pee, since I just watched two Twilight movies and now that’s how I have to pee, it’s the law.

Of all the characters in this tale of supernatural romance, the girl’s dad was the worst.  Over the course of two films, she ran away from home three times, once to Italy, once to Arizona, and once to the woods and he seemed like it was no big deal.  I take it back, he did ground her once, but rescinded it.  Oh and to top it off, he was the police chief.  Good job finding the hordes of devil creatures trying to nail your teenage daughter, Barney Fife.  I felt like he was the type of dad that let his kid call him Steve instead of dad, which is almost as bad letting your teenager date undead bloodthirsty abominations.  Now excuse me, I have to text my BFF and ask her whether she’s Team Edward or Team Jacob.  OMG!  Team Edward?  Did you see Jacob’s abs!  LOL!  I’d let him get to second base with me!

This is either a really unique take on relationships or the most disturbing movie I’ve seen since Kids.  I am not going to say “Spoiler Alert” because I hope you’re smart enough not to read a movie review if you are avoiding spoilers.  The movie follows a sad sack around who is about to finalize a divorce.  He is all boo hoo and depressed, then he finds an operating system that he talks to.  It then gets a little wacky, as he starts a relationship with his computer.

I’m weird in that I can watch aliens, magic, superheroes, etc. and have no problem with ridiculousness, because it’s supposed to be ridiculous.  Realistic-ish movies like this get to me.  I know it’s a larger theme, but he goes on walks and dates with his operating system by holding a camera in his pocket.  If I saw a guy running around talking to his phone and dancing around like a loon, I’d ready my fisticuffs, not have an “Aw shucks, they’re in love!” moment.

He also argues with the computer (odd) and yes, has some sex.  It’s like phone sex, only even more sad and lonely, which is pretty damn sad and lonely.  It’s a great scene if your goal is make people super uncomfortable and never want to be around you ever.

Long story short, the movie is a picture of life and relationships.  It’s also entertaining, but it made me want to shower a few times.  It’s also kind of funny to show an awkward and emotionally bankrupt man who engenders sympathy…who was married to Rooney Mara…dates Olivia Wilde…has a relationship with fake Scarlett Johansson,..and pals around with Amy Adams.  Then again, the computer basically is cheating on him by loving other people also, (which is strange, it’s a computer) which is straight up depressing.  I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone who just got dumped or has a problem with human to computer nasty time.

I have done comedy at a senior center, in an alley, next to an exit door at a bar in a VFW, at a high school reunion and a 50th wedding anniversary party.  Last night was a first – I did a show at a gay bar underneath a fetish shop.  At this point, I think I have covered my bases pretty well.  Unless there’s a hot dog eating contest or a political convention, I think I have covered about everything.

 

Yes, that is a wall covered in pics of shirtless and hairless men with a big ol’ bondage X.  I was rather grateful to facing the crowd.  The crowd was rather unruly, which was no surprise since chains were hanging off the ceiling.  “Hey, look here fellas, you should respect my long, drawn out joke about coffee tables!  Oh wait…”

No matter what the situation, I have found I work best in rowdy rooms by being super aggressive, loud and obnoxious.  Kind of like the View, but funnier and less manly.  Of course, I am super hilarious, so that helps.  I also try to cater to crowd a bit.  Last night I opened with “How’s everyone doing tonight?  More specifically, how are all the gay guys and the straight guys who are going to reprogram their GPS’s when they get home?”  I think it worked.

 

I don’t watch a lot of TV…for an American.  Compared to the rest of the world, I’m a useless sack of dump, but not a ton.  I usually can be found watching the History Channel, sports, or whatever my lady likes.  In other words, something about World War II/Hitler, football, or a dancing/singing show.  Luckily, no crossover.

I walked in the other day and for no reason in particular, CMT was on.  I caught Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge.  It was basically Stone Cold yelling at manish ladies to go faster climbing ropes and hurdling stuff.  It was like wrestling meets a drag show.  Not bad, but I’ll pass.  Then Dog and Beth came on.  A few thoughts – I didn’t know they were still alive.  Dog needs to button his shirt…and if you have a two foot long mullet, please stop shaving your chest.  Beth’s boobs look like an airbag blew up inside her shirt.  Why do they carry guns that don’t shoot?  Can they stop showing evidence like they’re prosecutors?  This show sucks.

In summation, I don’t really like new channels, but since I’m an American with ingrained ADD, it worked for the time being.  Next I think I’ll flip from Bravo to QVC, then wrap up with Sports Time Ohio, where I can see fashion, shopping and Cleveland sports highlights.  That will totally kill my desire to watch new programs and cure me of this disease.

My softball team managed to pull off an amazing upset over the first place team this week and we went off the bar to have a cold one.  In our normal spot, the Pinnacle Vodka girls were gearing up to spread the word about their new flavors.  Rainbow Sherbet?  No thanks.

As part of their good word and fun, they left mad libs for us.  Of course, our group was very mature and did it like adults.

As you can see, our responses were measured and well thought out.  We did enjoy the shot, appreciate the games, but amazingly, our team did not immediately switch to Whipped Cream Vodka over beer.  Keep the mad libs coming, we’ll think about it.

 

 

One of the surprises over the past weekend for me was the firing of Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony by Sirius/XM radio.  I got satellite radio for two reasons – I spend a lot of time on the road and I love the O&A show.  What happened (allegedly, no one was there recording) is that Anthony was snapping pics on his phone, a woman took offense and punched him four times.  Whether he was provoking her or not, no one knows but him and her.  After this, he tweeted several derogatory tweets calling her a savage and an animal.  Not a big deal, until you realize he’s white and she’s black.  Boom goes the internet.

The mania that followed was intense and common.  In the past month, we’ve seen apologies from Jonah Hill over gay slurs, Adam Richman for using a word used by anorexics, Facebook for messing with the news feeds, a soccer player for biting another player, a Japanese politician crying over something, etc.  You get the point.  I tuned in Monday and apparently Sirius was so offended by Cumia’s rants…they played old clips with him the entire day.  And Tuesday.  “You’re fired!  Sort of.  We’re going to use your show clips, though.  We need listeners.  But we’re really pissed!  You bigot!”  The same station that hired him for pushing controversy just said that was a little too much controversy, even outside of work.

Social media got all wacky also.  Some swore Anthony was in the Ku Klux Klan, others attacked the lady for assaulting him with little or no provocation, then the lines separated between liberals, conservatives and libertarians (as does everything on the internet, look up a story about cats and it breaks into a political melee, before veering into religion, then race and sexism mop up the rest).

I didn’t see all the tweets (he took them offline), plus I love the show, so it’s not my place to jump in like everyone else in the country and tell people what they have to do or not do.  That said, I noticed that hypocrisy is strong.  Republicans and Democrats act pissed about scandals, then downplay the same crap when their douchebag team screws up.  Cavs fans now want LeBron back.  Our Congress has a 9% approval rating, but we’ll probably re-elect most of them.  We bitch about drivers getting worse, then text each other on the highway.  I’ve seen people praise the Supreme Court for upholding Obamacare, then tear them apart for the Hobby Lobby decision.

The takeaway is that the market will decide.  He’ll probably jump to podcasting and be successful.  Sirius will act righteous, then play his old stuff all the time.  People that hated the show before still won’t listen and those that did will seek him out.  Then someone else will say something about a political issue or single out a race or fill in the blank and we dance this dance all over again next week.  Welcome to modern outrage – hold your breath and by the time you exhale, we’ll be on another hot button issue.