CHRIS COEN

When you are having a baby, they take you on a tour of the hospital months in advance, so when the birth happens, you have a 1% recollection of where you are.  I may not know where the maternity ward is, but thank God I found the Wendy’s!  Hang on honey, I have a hankering for a baked potato.

We did the tour with three other couples.  As with any group, one was the “problem”.  They asked about water birthing and when their midwives could show up.  It was like the older person in your college business class that had to ask a question and relate a story from his scrap metal recycling job that had nothing to do with international ethics.  Keep yer yap shut, I have a keg party at 5 pm and if I’m late, I’m stuck drinking the eight month old Steel Reserve I found under my couch.

The topper though was when the nurse told us that they gave the newborns a shot of Vitamin K since their liver hasn’t produced enough platelets to clot blood.  Dumbass one raised her hand, “We are going to opt out of that.”  Jenny McCarthy has nothing on these two.  “Umm, I know you built a $450 million hospital, have PhD’s and medical experts all throughout the facility, plus years of research, but my husband and I were surfing the world wide web and saw there’s a .0001 percent chance a rhino horn could sprout up with a shot of vitamins, so we got this one.  We don’t believe in vitamins or minerals.  Only notebook paper and dirt for our little bundle of joy.  You know, based on our ten minutes of pot-induced internet searches.”  I have a question – can you sign this couple up for a vasectomy and tube tying?  Yes, both, just in case.  I’m an expert of morons, I happen to be one.

Lots of things make me sad.  Like the other day, my wife ate half a piece of cake and threw away the extra frosting.  I still shudder when I think of that unused icing, never fulfilling its purpose in life.  It was almost as disheartening as the time someone threw a cigarette into my full beer at a party.  I practically went to therapy over that one; I only had 10 beers left after that.

This weekend, I couldn’t get my login info to work, so I have yet to watch Game of Thrones.  Please don’t ruin it for me, Facebook.  You owe me after all those game requests and privacy leaks.  As crushing a blow as that was, I turned my TV back on and Lip Sync Battle was on.  I watched as LL Cool J actually interviewed the Rock about how he was going to win the fake sing off against Jimmy Fallon.  Not only was it a fake singing show; they trash talked each other for most of the program.  Yes, this is much better than watching knights murder each other for an hour.  Plus, it looked like they spent about three minutes learning the songs, so it wasn’t even good.  It was like watching the MTV music awards, but with slightly worse lip syncing.

In other words, my Monday will be spent blindfolded and with earplugs in until I get this resolved.  I’ve already set fire to my phone, smashed my router and will not talk to strangers…which is my normal daily goal, but even more so.

I don’t know if you guys knew this, but men and women are different.  I’m the first comedian to notice this, I am probably going to be rich.  Rather than point out obvious stuff, I thought I would relay some conversations I’ve had with my better half.

“I’m fat.”  You’re not fat, you’re pregnant.  (2 days later)  “I feel fat.”  You’re not fat, you have a human being inside your body.  You will get bigger, it’s science.  (3 days later)  “I’m fat.”  OK, (roll eyes), you’re fat.  “You called me fat, you asshole!”

Hey, my buddy is running a half marathon.  He wants me to run.  “You can’t run a half marathon.”  I’ll bet I could.  “What are you eating right now?”  Um.  A Reeseter’s Bunny chocolate rabbit, washed down with a beer.  OK, you’re right.

I heard babies like music, I want to sing to the baby.  “Oh God, no.”  I’ll bet my baby will like metal like me.  “Definitely not.”  I should sing to the baby into your stomach.  “No.”  Come on, I’m a doctor.  “No, you are not.  If you’re a doctor, what is your medical field?”  Freedom.  “That’s not a medical field.”  That’s what someone who doesn’t like freedom would say.

My wife went to start the process of getting items for the baby registry.  I’m a man, so I was all like, “I ain’t looking at baby stuff!  I got man stuff to do!”  I actually didn’t, so I was sent to the grocery store.  Anyways, she came back and showed me a list of sadistic torture items for babies.  Here’s the best of what I saw.

Hands free breastpump.  I’m pretty busy at times, but I’m sure my emails can wait for a couple minutes to complete a process to feed my baby.  Then again, I’ve never breastpumped.

Mucus siphon.  Everyone knows that there is a tool for getting snot out of your baby’s nose.  Apparently, they make one where you can suck it out.  Who in the blue hell thought of this.  I gag if my own loog goes down my throat, let alone a mouthful of my offspring’s.

Honestly, I had to shut it down after that.  After looking at 47 different bottle nipples and the price of strollers, I had to sit down and breathe into a bag.  I’ve heard stories of children being raised by wolves…I’m pretty sure I can do better than that with or without a snot siphon.

If there is one thing I’m known for, it’s my empathy for all my fellow humans and all living things in general.  I should share some examples to show you all how much better of a person I am.

I ran into a co-worker that thanks to a fall and concussion, now has to wear all red goggles to block the light.  “Wow, Cyclops, don’t fall again.  Your glasses may fall off and you’ll blow a hole in the wall.  At least Magneto won’t attack now that you’re here.”  See how I bring laughs to the situation?  Well, I did for me and that’s what’s important.

My dad brought his new puppy over and my 12 year old dog got up, obviously jealous of the attention.  “Hey, my replacement dog is here!”  My dog began hopping around like an ass in desperation.  He may actually be smarter than I thought.

A young man showed up on my doorstep with a petition.  “Sir, I was wondering if you would sign this petition?”  What is it for?  “We must raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour.”  $15?  That sounds pretty high.  I’m all for a fair wage, but that radical of a change actually can be counter productive, because the price of goods rises, which makes the wage less effective.  Plus employers cut hours or hire less people, so it’s something to think about.  “Well, sir, that’s where you’re wrong!”  I cut him off – Let me give you a tip, if you want someone to sign a petition, you shouldn’t tell them they’re wrong.  Good luck with your petition; get the hell off my porch.  He stared at me as I slammed the door in his face.  In all honesty, I probably would have shut the door in his face no matter what.

We had a bunch of family in town this past weekend.  It is amazing how the TV manages to find channels I didn’t know existed or rather, probably shouldn’t exist.  Here’s some things I learned.

ABC Family shows family friendly movies, like Home Alone…and Dude, Where’s My Car?  That movie isn’t to be viewed by adults under the influence of alcohol, let alone children.  Also, one of their shows has a commercial where a girl takes her shirt off in front of a guy.  Right after that, there was a Disney Fairy commercial.  I think they may want to reshuffle their programming.  Side note – Why do the cops or Children’s Services not get involved with the McAllister family?  They’ve left their kid alone multiple times now.

If you were wondering where every 90’s female actress went, the answer is the Hallmark Channel.

My nephew’s favorite channel is the Weather Channel.  He’s either going to be a meteorologist or he’s actually 73 years old.

Lastly, at any time on expanded cable, America’s Funniest Home Videos or an animal show is on.  I think I need to film my dog 24 hours a day until my kid is born.  If a kid or animal makes a dumb face, it’s worth $50,000.  Or a nut shot, as long as a kid or animal bags a guy.