When you are having a baby, they take you on a tour of the hospital months in advance, so when the birth happens, you have a 1% recollection of where you are. I may not know where the maternity ward is, but thank God I found the Wendy’s! Hang on honey, I have a hankering for a baked potato.
We did the tour with three other couples. As with any group, one was the “problem”. They asked about water birthing and when their midwives could show up. It was like the older person in your college business class that had to ask a question and relate a story from his scrap metal recycling job that had nothing to do with international ethics. Keep yer yap shut, I have a keg party at 5 pm and if I’m late, I’m stuck drinking the eight month old Steel Reserve I found under my couch.
The topper though was when the nurse told us that they gave the newborns a shot of Vitamin K since their liver hasn’t produced enough platelets to clot blood. Dumbass one raised her hand, “We are going to opt out of that.” Jenny McCarthy has nothing on these two. “Umm, I know you built a $450 million hospital, have PhD’s and medical experts all throughout the facility, plus years of research, but my husband and I were surfing the world wide web and saw there’s a .0001 percent chance a rhino horn could sprout up with a shot of vitamins, so we got this one. We don’t believe in vitamins or minerals. Only notebook paper and dirt for our little bundle of joy. You know, based on our ten minutes of pot-induced internet searches.” I have a question – can you sign this couple up for a vasectomy and tube tying? Yes, both, just in case. I’m an expert of morons, I happen to be one.