CHRIS COEN

It’s getting near go time for our baby to make an appearance – although I must say, my wife REALLY loves being pregnant.  She is a big fan of not sleeping, having to pee every hour and being unable to do basic tasks.  I’ve never went through this process, but luckily everyone is on the same page.  I had a conversation with a couple buddies this weekend, I’ll call them 1 and 2 for ease.

Pal 1: “Make sure you see the baby coming out, man.  It’s so amazing!”  #2 “Hell no.  Don’t look.  Don’t ever look.”  #1 “No way, it’s great.  You see your kid coming out, it’s all messy – so messy, but then it unfolds and starting screaming.”  #2 “I told you.  Don’t look.”  It appears number 1 is losing the case…

I can actually stomach a lot.  I’ve watched my own hand stitched up, I don’t flinch or look away for needles and I watch a lot of medical shows.  I just can’t stand to bones break out of skin.  Unless my wife is doing skateboard tricks, I should be OK – but how cool would that be?

One thing I learned when I started doing comedy is that shows can happen about anywhere or for any crowd.  I’ve got to do casinos, comedy clubs, colleges, bars…and senior citizen centers, in an alley and at outdoor parties where I was followed by a country band who was walking around with a wireless mike and singing/scaring the children by getting up in everyone’s faces. Most of the shows are pretty much one time affairs for people you’ll never see again.

One show I’ve done several times is the Q Fest.  It’s the annual fund raising golf tournament for the Quincy Conner Foundation.  http://www.thequincyconnerfoundation.com/golf-tournament  This event was started in honor of my buddy and fraternity brother Q, who passed way too early due to heart disease.  The board does a tremendous job and has grown this foundation from a small organization to one that now offers scholarships to kids who have lost parents to heart disease.  It’s open to everyone, so if you’re a golf fan or want to see comedy, check out the link above (it’s this Saturday).

Q was an interesting character, as was about everyone I went to college with.  Q was so competitive, he would record other people playing Madden on his VCR to scout out their plays.  He used to DJ our parties, which was hard because I’m old enough where you had to lug 1000 CD’s around, but young enough to know no matter what music you play, some drunk asses will request some garbage song like “Barbie Girl” or their favorite weird independent band and ruin the party.  I could tell more stories, but they may come out this weekend.  Darrell Dawson and Bill Arrundale will be doing the show and if my baby decides to hang out a little longer, I will be there too!  It’s a great cause – here’s the link again for this Saturday in Columbus.  http://www.thequincyconnerfoundation.com/golf-tournament

While I was out this weekend, two magazines had covers running down the most stylish men.  I am very stylish, as long as t-shirts and jeans are good.  Not those Ed Hardy shirts or men’s jeans with glitter.  Those are just ridiculous.  Here’s an example.

I went to get new shoes, as mine are pretty run down.  My wife and I walked in – I’ll be damned, there’s the same exact shoes!  Wife: “Don’t tell me you’re getting the same shoes.”  Yep.  Wife: “You should branch out.”  I did last time, I liked these, now I’m buying the same ones I found when I branched out.  Wife: “You’re boring.  You should try something new.”  I like you.  Should I branch out and find a new wife?  Wife: “I should have found a new husband by now.”  Stylish and still got the smooth talk for my lady.  I should be on a magazine cover.

I had a dream the other night that a Russian mob guy and his buddy ran into my wife’s car (she has a Jeep, not a car) and they wouldn’t pull over.  I followed them to a diner and beat some ass, then threw the guy and his friend through a window if front of the entire restaurant.  On the way home (apparently I live on the other side of Wal-Mart parking lot), I decided to shave my beard as an airtight way to get out of being charged with assault.  No one will see through that!  I got arrested, but was let off for temporary insanity, which is probably the only part of the dream that makes sense.

I woke up and as the morning progressed, I had a bad reaction to a shot from the day before and had to take a nap after work.  YOU BETTER LOOK OUT DREAM COMMIE AND YOUR DREAM COMMIE BUDDY!  NOW YOU’RE MESSING WITH THE WIFE OF A GUY WHO’S ALLERGIC TO PREVENTATIVE MEDICAL TREATMENT!  I think I’ll quit dreaming for a while.

I started our widow maker home project, tearing my roof out (I can do that) and rebuilding a shed dormer (making the roof taller and less pitched; can’t do that) with the help of my dad and father-in-law.  I have learned several valuable lessons.

1) When installing a toilet, it’s much easier to just get a bucket and chuck it out the window!  (Hopefully your neighborhood is a recluse who never goes outside).

2) Drywall doesn’t support your body weight.  There’s another project for later!

3) Building stuff sucks, but sometimes it’s funny.  My dad said, “I’ll hold her, you nail her!”  All I could think is that is probably an Appalachian marriage proposal.

4) I should have got a tetanus shot before we started this.  I need to lose a few pounds though, maybe lockjaw isn’t so bad after all.

That’s about all I’ve learned so far.  Another five years and I should be able to build a birdhouse in a month or two.

Man, thank goodness for people’s Facebook posts, or I wouldn’t know the answers to life!  I thought I would share some wisdom I acquired from social media in the last week with everyone.  (Warning: your brain may shut down.  This is some smart stuff.)

1) The best way to argue about a controversial topic is to go on someone’s Facebook feed that you barely know and call them a sinner, bigot, moron or asshole.  This really bridges that gap of ideas.  It really closes the deal the nastier you get right off the bat; people love to be insulted by ex co-workers or middle school classmates barely remembered over their belief systems.  I like to sing the old Coke commercial “I’d like to teach the World to Sing” when I read two strangers duke it out over politics on my news feed.

2) Some people think the best option for gay relationships is to make sure they can never be in committed relationships.  “Hey!  I demand all gays remain uncommitted promiscuous whore people like I like them!  I’ll be damned if they can fall in love and settle down and make gay babies that will then decorate my city in pink triangles and rainbows!  I don’t even like triangles!  Trapezoids are much cooler!”  I even saw one person let the world know that gay people don’t really exist because it takes straight people to procreate.  That is foolproof science, everyone.  No one has ever once had a baby with different traits than themselves, not even once.  So I assume all the LGBT people I’ve met were made in a lab or black magic was involved.  Thanks for the info!

3) Every war and organized mass murder in history was started by Christians.  I read this post, which was helpful, because I forgot Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and ISIS were Bible thumpers like Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun and Julius Caesar.  I really have to brush up on history.

4) The best way to handle the Confederate flag is to put it absolutely everywhere or remove all references to it outright and forever.  Some think it should fly over the statehouse, government sponsored, despite the diverse racial makeup of that particular state.  This is a good point, because the Civil War is still going on and we wouldn’t people to get confused and think there were 50 whole states in this country.  Others think it should be removed from even Civil War video games and souvenir shops at places like Gettysburg.  This is a good point too, since I remember the actual flag wasn’t the Stars and Bars, it was a big plain flag that just said “SOUTH” on it.  I convinced now.  Let’s have a book burning, those societies that selectively remember or block out historical references are always the best ways to go, like Nazi Gemany or Communist dictatorships like North Korea.

If you didn’t find this info helpful, I recommend you delete your Facebook page before the 2016 presidential election.  I am warning you though, you are going to miss out on some gems!