CHRIS COEN

As our daughter gets older, we notice certain traits she gets from mom and others from me.  She sleeps like my wife (aka can wake up if the winds shift in the Tropic of Capricorn) and has my patience (aka waits .01 seconds, then plows through all obstacles with furious rage).  One I hope she skips is dad’s OCD tendencies.

1) If I sweat and am not working out or doing physical labor, I HAVE to shower.  There are worse OCD traits, for sure.  I have a buddy that has to shower every time he drops a deuce.  If I had both those problems, I would be typing this blog in the shower.

2) Try getting through your 20’s as me when you can’t walk past a couch and not adjust the throw pillows.  Don’t get me started on rug tassels.  I’m straight, by the way.

3) If someone is talking to me and has a pimple on their face, I can’t physically listen to anything they are saying.  If someone comes in and tells me the secret to eternal life or the winning Powerball numbers and have a pus filled zit on their nose, my brain shuts off all sensory functions and tries to find a way to pop the thing without directly assaulting the person.

4) One time my so called buddy pointed out I missed a spot shaving and I pulled on the stubby hairs for the next 2 hours of the road trip until we stopped and I dry shaved with gas station Lady Bics.

I think she’ll be fine, but the other night she did make us grab every single toy, one by one, before she went to bed.  Not bad, until you realize my kid has 8 Elmos.  In the living room alone.  And Elmo’s not her favorite anymore.  Better keep your zits out of her face.

I don’t travel as much as I used to for comedy, but people used to get excited and ask me where my next gig was.  I’ll give you a couple stories to show you it’s not what you think.  Don’t get me wrong, there were some great times on the road – staying at casinos is a blast, having people in a new town buy ten of your dumb shirts is really cool and you get to see a lot of small and large towns and sights.  Other times, though, it sucks.

My second ever road gig out of state was above a bowling alley – huge crowd, fun room, but the hotel was less than expected.  I opened the door and realized there were makeup stains on the pillowcases.  A lot of makeup, like Tammy Faye Baker was smothered to death and the pillowcases were being preserved as evidence.  I went to the front desk.  “Can I get a new pillowcase?  This one is dirty.”  The manager, not native to our fine land, acted like I was asking for another bed.  “WHAT?  MY WIFE CLEAN THIS!  IT CLEAN!”  I stopped for second, taken aback, then got pissed.  “There’s makeup on here, can you not see?  Either your eyesight is bad or your washing machine doesn’t work!”  “FINE!  I GIVE YOU ONE!”  Again, like I was asking for Egyptian linen and fresh rose petals.

I went back, then realized nothing had probably been washed sheet wise, but the towels were clean, so I covered the bed with towels and turned the heat up to avoid using the blanket.  Oh and I drank a shitload after the show so I could pass out in that garbage dump.  That helped too.

Here’s how conspiracy theories work.  Find one, maybe two questionable details, then build an entire network of make believe and refuse to listen to anything else.  Example: 9/11 truthers.  “What about building 7 falling down?  Hmm?”  Well, have you ever tested the effects are multiple planes smashing into buildings?  Have you seen the rebuttals to your conspiracy theories?  How about the massive trail of evidence and backstories of the terrorists?  “I SAID WHAT ABOUT BUILDING 7?”  God, you’re a douche.  Go back to your lonely chatroom or wherever you people talk to other loonies.  Please try to restrain yourself from posting your stuff on the actual day.  There’s plenty of real stuff to pin blame on the government without dancing into imagination land.  “JET FUEL THERMO EXPLOSIONS!  I HAVE INTERNET ACCESS SO I’M A SCIENTIST!”

I have a show tomorrow at Rehab Tavern at 8 pm (456 W. Town St., Columbus, OH).  Here’s why you should attend in you are in Central Ohio.

1) It’s after the OSU game and you’ll probably be coming down off a buzz.  What else are you going to do, mow your grass at 8 pm?  If you’re mowing my neighbor’s grass, that’s actually cool.  It’s a jungle over there.

2)  It’s free and they serve alcohol.  Both good reasons.  Less popular answer?  They have soft drinks!  You just lost Family Feud.  Dumb answer.

3) I’m doing new jokes.  This is big news.  Try writing new material with a 13 month old.  Material everywhere, too tired to actually type or write words.  I’VE EARNED IT.

4) I’ll fight a lion at the end of the show.  Oh, the permit was denied.  Well I tried.

5) NO ONE WILL KNEEL OR SIT FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.  OK, that’s true, but there’s no national anthem before a comedy show.  We may sit through Mother by Danzig though.  Some drunk girl played it four times one night.  (It was me, but I blamed it on her.  That song is awesome.)

Did I mention it was a free comedy show?

I have sat back and watched the Colin Kaepernick saga unfold the last couple weeks.  I have actually been surprised, not by the initial reaction, but everything thereafter.  It has taken a bit to sort out the stupid, but here goes.  Thanks again internet trolls!

Freedom of speech isn’t freedom from judgement.  The 1st Amendment is targeted towards free speech against the government; political protection.  It’s not everything.  In other words, if you go into work and drop 93 racial slurs, you can still be fired, dummy.  Here’s the other point – you’re free to think things and say things, just like other people are free to say you’re an asshole.  It’s not “freedom of speech for stuff I like, but not stuff I don’t like, cause like, everyone should agree with me.”  Colin did his thing; he’s free to do it and say whatever, as long as the 49ers are cool with it.  If not, they can cut him.  They didn’t.  People are then subsequently free to support him verbally/online and/or criticize him.  OMG!  SO CONTROVERSIAL!  That’s how life works.  For those so worried about him, his jersey sales spiked upwards and he still has millions.  He’ll be OK.

It doesn’t matter what his race is.  Some trolls brought up his race, as if being half white and half black mattered at all.  It doesn’t.  You want to disagree with him, good for you.  It doesn’t matter about who bumped uglies to make him.  You can have an opinion no matter race you are.  On the flip side, if you don’t like his actions, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically racist.  Enough with that idiocy also.

Yes, if he doesn’t do something else to back up his action, he’s a douchebag.  Want to sit or kneel during the anthem?  Go for it.  If that’s all you do, you’re attention seeking pollyanna.  Help give some of your money to rebuild communities ravaged by crime.  Offer to host neighborhood meetings between black neighborhoods and cops to ease tensions.  If not, then all this was for show.

There’s a lot more that could be said, ESPN and media whores that are getting hard nipples over this can eat it most of all.  The fact is, by and large, the overwhelming vast majority of us get along and are just great.  There’s some scumbags, but every time a race issue comes up, the media just froth at the mouth at the ratings money they’re going to rake in over different groups being at each other’s throats.  It’s actually sick.

Oh, and lastly, if you’re one of these people who uses incidents like this to trash your own country, guess what stupid, you’re part of this country also.  We have, unlike most countries on this earth, diverse races, religions and political leanings, and we do a damn good job plugging along.  Most other countries that have just two or three different ethnic groups are usually killing each other like they’re making commission off murder.  If you think it’s “cool” to trash the flag, national anthem or other American institutions because you’re so edgy, bro – so edgy! – then you’re a pathetic bottom feeder who likely hasn’t done jack shit to improve anything in your community, let alone your country.  I saw my dad standing at that black wall in DC with the names of every fallen soldier from the Vietnam War.  I won’t forget that day ever.  You want to trash politicians?  I’m with you.  You want to talk issues?  More power to you.  You want to dump on America?  Congrats, worm, you’ve impressed absolutely no one at all.  It’s times like this I wish I had Hulk Hogan’s theme music on cue.  Hogan 1985, not now, obviously.

 

My wife won tickets to the Ohio State season opener this week, so we were able escape the house and venture into the madness that is 105,000 people cramming into a stadium and about as many getting drunk outside of it.  This was the first year they allowed alcohol sales in the stadium.  In the past, you had to sneak it in or get so drunk at a tailgate you were rolling the dice on if you would pass out before halftime.

It’s not all roses, though, because I saw this.

No animals?  You mean I can’t bring my horse or mountain lion?  Great, now I need a lion sitter.  Actually, I could see some weirdo that lets their sweater wearing dog open mouth kiss them ruining my Saturday, so I get that one.

No drones?  Has anyone ever brought a drone into the stadium?  Would a person try to fly one in or carry it?  Not sure how that works.  Same with fireworks.  I’m sure no one would have an issue once you shot off some Roman candles, right?  Prudes.  Speaking of that, is it necessary to call out illegal drugs?  Aren’t they, um, illegal?  “Sir, you’re going to have to leave your cocaine at your RV.”  “Oh man, you cops are really breaking my balls over here!  It’s not on the sign!”  “Actually it is, sorry.”  “Oh.  Well, in that case, I’ll comply.”

The rest of the list is great too – televisions.  If you’re dragging a TV around to a game, the white coats should toss you in a van and take you to a happy place.  “If only I could find a place to plug this in, I could watch the game.”  “You know the game’s right there, right?  That’s why you paid $100 for the ticket.”  “Don’t bother me, I have to find the cable hookup also!”  Which brings me to weapons.  Could you be more specific?  Sure I get firearms, but I won’t be told I can’t bring my halberd.  What if the terrorists lead a mounted charge against our position and we need a quickly assembled phalanx?  What then, Ohio State?  What then?!