CHRIS COEN

This day was chosen b/c of the armistice for WWI, one of the most underrated horrible wars of all time, where the tactics didn’t match the technology.  Our doughboys went over the top in fruitless charges into machine gun fire, then retreated into trenches with rot, rats, poison gas, and the constant shelling that led to “shell shock”, the old timey phrase for PTSD.  We honor our vets this day – I saw an ad in my paper from a woman to her dad today.  She said that her father only saw her in a pic her Mom sent in WWII, then he was killed at the Rhine river at the end of the campaign against the dirty Nazis.  Yet, she was not bitter.  She said to her father, “We will see each other in heaven to make up for the lost time.”  Why do we fight other countries?  America is the great experiment.  Although by modern standards, we had slaves, women couldn’t vote, we oppressed Indians – the fact remains that the history of the world is oppression.  We didn’t do everything right or quickly, but we laid a foundation to do everything right.  Before America, no commoner could vote.  No man could purchase private property unless one the elite.  Slavery was worldwide and unfortunately, still is.  Governments dicatated religion.   Monarchs called the shots for our lives from cradle to grave.  Then came America.  Flawed?  Yes.  Yet it remains the beacon of individualism and liberty.  You don’t like our slavery past?  600,000 men fell to defeat it on our own soil.  Do you think we have oppressed countries?  In the USSR, Stalin killed 20 million (maybe more) of his own citizens to impose his dictatorial regime.  Look up Mao Zedong and Pol Pot while you’re at it.  A popular Latin sublingual cialis saying was “Man is a wolf to man.”  Despite this, we live in a country where dreams still live and thrive.  Now you can live and thrive based on your drive, not your choice of church or race or sexual orientation or sex or fill in the blank.  This is greatly due to our veterans.  They didn’t sit around and drink beer, tea, etc. and discuss ideas.  They fought, they died, they sacrificed for the greater good of liberty.  My own father was a forward observer for the 101st Airborne – the man that replaced him in Nam was killed w/n a week of my Dad leaving that pit.  “The only death a democracy can die is by its own hand.” – Thomas Jefferson.  No one will ever overturn this grand experiment except us.  “Freedom is never more than one generation from extinction.  We didn’t pass it on to our children in our bloodstream.  It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.”  – Ronald Reagan.  God bless our vets and God bless America.  (PS – my act is actually funny, not dead serious like this)

George Lopez has a show.  On TV.  People actually watch.  (Hispanic overkill accent)  “Hey everyone, I’m really hyper!   Lindsay Lohan joke!”  (Stop talking and bug eyed leering at the crowd as you look left and right for 10 uncomfortable seconds.)  “George cialis expensive Bush had a book come out!”  (Insert token Bush is stupid joke, then look left and right with wild bulging eyes and mug for the camera.)  Seriously, who watches this shit?  I would rather watch my dog host a show with the sound of a puppy getting its tail clipped in the background.

I just did a show at the MLK Arts Center in Cbus.  When I walked in, I was behind an older black couple and we both noticed by the bathroom they had a “Whites Only” sign (for historical purposes, obviously).  She looked at the doorman and said, “Is that real?”  He explained that it was for reference to history.  Really?  Real?  At the MLK Arts Center?  She was satisfied, but then turned and looked at me with an obvious scowl.  Like where to buy cialis without prescription I walked in w/ a hood on and said, “No Africans in my bathroom at the MLK Arts Center!”  Very interesting.  I did very well at the show, by the way.  I give props to the fact I had my white bathroom.  SARCASM!  Good Lord.

7 shows in 8 cheap cialis no prescription nights complete.  3 states, 7 different venues,  nearly 2000 miles.  One show had 4 people in crowd, one cancelled but they didn’t tell me until I drove 40 miles to get there (I performed anyway), one show went 5 minutes, one I did 51 minutes.  A blind guy puking woke me up one day, my alarm woke me up with less than 5 hours’ sleep 3 beautiful mornings.   I sold a whopping two shirts, three DVD’s (one for 2 Bud Selects), and got free beer and shots at 5 shows.  I did great at 5 shows, OK at one, and ate my own ass at the 4 person show.  I got screwed into paying for a room one night, I got hooked up with a free meal at two others.  I spent 25% of my pay in gas money and donated part of my sales to breast cancer to another show.  This is comedy and I love it.

A gentleman approached me after the show last night and introduced himself, not by saying “Hello” or “Here’s my opinion on your act…”  No, he went the less traditional route and said “You should do more n-word jokes (he didn’t say n-word, btw).”  This of course assumed I did any n-word jokes, which although tempting  (sarcasm) I have yet to include any in my act.  You know what would improve my act?  Extreme racism.  Good thing my target demo is the Ku Klux Klan.  Oh wait, it’s not.  He then told me there were no n-words in his town.  I then “assumed” no black person would be dumb enough to move to a town where there was a drunken idiot like this carrying no prescription cialis a firearm.  Perhaps he should carry his interpersonal skills to other areas, like going to a battered women’s shelter and telling them they probably deserved it.

I went to a ballet last night.  For a chick – before you get too far in your judgement.  The dancers were very talented (I think, I dance only after blackout phase one begins), but it was a little out of my normal life.  I took notes during this cultured moment of my life and I thought I would share.  (BTW this ballet was a weird German interpretive representation of Mozart and death and stuff, lots of oddly dressed people and symbolism or some kind of shit).

My notes:  People have shoes on their hands.  WTF.  Man on man dancing, both shirtless.  Either really German or really gay.  Now there is a stiff trenchcoat and some chick is dancing with it.  Moving on.  More man on man contact.  Ropes.  Simulated swimming.  Wall pounding.  I think they want out.  That makes two of us.  What is with the chair on the wall?  (At this point I think I dozed off for a couple minutes.)  Now there is a man with a red painted chest dancing with a suitcase.  Now it’s getting really weird – I think he’s dead.  Nope, still alive.  Now he’s dead.  His cialis 5mg price girlfriend may be dead too.  No, she’s alive, but he’s dead.  I need to start using drugs.  Couple wearing nude bodysuits are dancing.  More shoes.  Now umbrellas and the nude couple is in ropes.  Umbrella in flames.  Oh my God, it’s over.  BRAVO!  Wait…more bowing.  Five, now six.  Seven, will we get eight?  No, just seven.  Announcer:  “Anyone interested in staying to speak with the choreographer (German chick – my words) who wrote this (is retarded – again my words).”

Well, that’s over.  I now need to bathe in the simple culture of beer and football for two days to get my man cred back.  Alright, two months.  How did Germans start World War II?  We must have really kicked their asses.  Back to cheap beer and 1980’s heavy metal for my white trash ass.