CHRIS COEN

I have had a few jobs in my day: Stock boy, steel mills, grocery bagger, passing out food stamps to unmotivated people that openly traded them in the parking lot for cigarettes, and salesman (and comedian, obviously).  The worst job in my life happened in 2001.  I was literally living in my parents’ poorly insulated basement after leaving a job in Chicago, freezing, drinking beer, and playing PS2 games.  The cash was evaporating faster than my chances of getting laid living in my parents’ basement.  I got an interview w/ “Gen-X Sports Marketing” on Monster.  It turned out to be a pyramid scheme in which I sold a machine that allowed businesses to save a few percentage points by going to Visa/Mastercard direct upon every swipe or type.  It was 100% commission and my boss, a chain smoking new mother told me we got reimbursed for fuel.  Day one was the next day.  I lived 60 miles away, but we started at 7 am.  As I walked in, they had a team meeting to pump us up for the inevitable failure that would ensue.  A middle aged black man then turned on a boom box that blared out the Chicago Bulls opening song.  “JUICE: Join Us In Creating Excitement!  Who’s got the JUICE?”  These neo-Branch Davidians used JUICE like the Smurfs use Smurf for everything.  He then ran around slapping hands and making people jump up front in an empty office room and tell the other losers how much JUICE they actually had.  I, as the Southerners say, “got religion” and began to quietly pray to my new pal Jesus to use his Jesus powers, despite my lack of goodness to not be picked for the JUICE testimonial.  Well, God is real my friends.  Long story short, I found out from my boss that by reimbursement, she meant I could claim mileage on my federal income taxes the following year.  After 3 days, 700 miles, and 40 hours’ work crammed in there, I quit.  Thank you dollar mug night at Shakers’ in Cambridge, OH for the inspiration.  Four weeks later I got a check for $55.  Even comedy doesn’t pay that poorly, although I once did a 45 minute show for -$5.  That’s for another blog, blog fans!  JUICE by that.  Who’s got the JUICE?  Karen’s got the JUICE!  Karen’s got the JUICE!  Suck my JUICE, Ponzi schemers.

I am hosting Monday Night Live in one month away.  I realized I have no skills in filming, editing, and even getting a finished product onto a projection screen.  Start the clock.  Maybe I’ll just hire a high school musical to do “Our Town” while I make snarky comments.  Worst case scenario, I’ll just set myself on fire and line dance to “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.”  Problem solved.

Thanks for vile bottom feeding hackers, the PS3 network is down.  This means no online gaming or steaming Netflix.  Hackers are pieces of crap.  Do you enjoy this free network?  We just took it down from our mother’s basement.  We’re so cool.  Now to chat online with chicks are probably dudes.  That said, I flipped on the TV to horrible shows, so I chose to watch Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.  Not a bad flick, but I can’t get over Kevin Costner’s hokey American accent in ye olde England.  Also, Alan Rickman is destined to be a scumbag.  This sounds bad, but who doesn’t fondly remember wrestling heels like the Honky Tonk Man or Ravishing Rick Rude?  Lastly, I just saw a commercial for Chantix, an anti-smoking pill…that may cause suicidal thoughts.  Thanks for helping me quit smoking, Chantix!  Now I’ll live 10 years longer…minus the 40 years for the bullet in my brain.

Osama bin Laden is dead, according to news stories.  This is the most exciting news in a long time for this guy.  I normally would abhor a celebration of someone’s passing, but this is the most deserved death since Hitler put a bullet in his skull.  Here’s a listing of what this fantasticly huge pile of shit accomplished in his life.  (From wikipedia) “The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 resulted in 2,996 deaths, including the 19 hijackers and 2,977 victims.”  The hijackers don’t count – why in the name of God were they included wikipedia?  This is not counting the USS Cole and God only knows how many other attacks financed by this disease.  (Read the Ivory Tower for his whole story, great book).  I like to think Mr. bin Laden had a stroke and fell on a hot campfire, laying there unable to move, but yet burning slowly in terrible pain.  That’s my wish.  Feel free to comment and speculate in the comments section.  Happy death, freedom hater.  “If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.” – Abraham Lincoln.  Nice try fucko – we are still standing against dictators, oligarchs, religious fanatics, and everyone else who rejects the idea that free people can select their own government, religion, and stand like a rock against the history of humanity, one of oppression.  “This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world – “No, you move.” – Captain America.  Yes, I did just quote Abe Lincoln and Cap in the same blog.  Eat it, bin Laden.

I did a show tonight at the South Campus Gateway outside OSU tonight.  It was about 50 degrees, misty rain and a cold wind blew the whole night.  Yet, as I gazed out to the groups of ladies, they refused to let the weather deny their street walker-esque outfits.  I saw a girl that could have stood to have lost a few dozen lbs. wearing a half shirt and a skirt so tight her legs were probably tingling.  Good dedication.  Snooki would have been proud.  I am old enough to remember when body suits were the rage.  Any chick in seventh grade with boobs was instantly hot if she was rocking a skin tight body suit.  Ah yes, early 90’s hotness.  Don’t cover up those B cups with the silk vest, baby.  Let your body shine!  (If anyone knows that song, you get bonus points from me – BBD 4 life playaz!)

South Park fired back up tonight, starting year 15.  It is the greatest show in history of TV.  Why?  They bash anything and everything with no reservations.  When a Dane (from Denmark stupid) drew Mohammed and was killed by extremists, they did a series about Mohammed.  Balls.  They destroy celebrities, both political parties, do-gooders, and exploit every stereotype and assumption.  My favorite example was when Isaac Hayes, who voiced “Chef” after several years of picking on everyone, objected to an episode making fun of Scientology.  He quit.  Their response?  They turned Chef into a child molester and used old voice recordings to reinforce their point.  Good work Matt and Trey.  I hate people that are offended, but even more, I hate people that laugh at everything – but one thing.  “I love when you do racist jokes, but God forbid you touch Buddhism.”  In fairness, everyone has one point of contention with humor.  For me?  Anti-Americans.  Burn a flag or say 9/11 was an inside job and I will beat your candy ass.