I have had a few jobs in my day: Stock boy, steel mills, grocery bagger, passing out food stamps to unmotivated people that openly traded them in the parking lot for cigarettes, and salesman (and comedian, obviously). The worst job in my life happened in 2001. I was literally living in my parents’ poorly insulated basement after leaving a job in Chicago, freezing, drinking beer, and playing PS2 games. The cash was evaporating faster than my chances of getting laid living in my parents’ basement. I got an interview w/ “Gen-X Sports Marketing” on Monster. It turned out to be a pyramid scheme in which I sold a machine that allowed businesses to save a few percentage points by going to Visa/Mastercard direct upon every swipe or type. It was 100% commission and my boss, a chain smoking new mother told me we got reimbursed for fuel. Day one was the next day. I lived 60 miles away, but we started at 7 am. As I walked in, they had a team meeting to pump us up for the inevitable failure that would ensue. A middle aged black man then turned on a boom box that blared out the Chicago Bulls opening song. “JUICE: Join Us In Creating Excitement! Who’s got the JUICE?” These neo-Branch Davidians used JUICE like the Smurfs use Smurf for everything. He then ran around slapping hands and making people jump up front in an empty office room and tell the other losers how much JUICE they actually had. I, as the Southerners say, “got religion” and began to quietly pray to my new pal Jesus to use his Jesus powers, despite my lack of goodness to not be picked for the JUICE testimonial. Well, God is real my friends. Long story short, I found out from my boss that by reimbursement, she meant I could claim mileage on my federal income taxes the following year. After 3 days, 700 miles, and 40 hours’ work crammed in there, I quit. Thank you dollar mug night at Shakers’ in Cambridge, OH for the inspiration. Four weeks later I got a check for $55. Even comedy doesn’t pay that poorly, although I once did a 45 minute show for -$5. That’s for another blog, blog fans! JUICE by that. Who’s got the JUICE? Karen’s got the JUICE! Karen’s got the JUICE! Suck my JUICE, Ponzi schemers.