CHRIS COEN

Apparently, I still have a blog. Welcome to parenting! While I have written in the past that the worst part of being a comedian is other comedians (recently confirmed yet again when I found a comic trashed a hotel room, meaning a club doesn’t offer one now to traveling comics), this about something everyone can understand in the non comedy world- Fans. Pick a topic, politics, sports or music and the worst part is often the fans. You can literally point to any political topic and find the inverse with different parties with about seconds of internet browsing. Since I’m not mouthwatering insane, I’ll stick to music for this blog.

I have liked heavy metal since…well pretty much the first time I heard it. It’s not for everyone. I get that, as much as I would love to flip on the radio and hear Judas Priest or Megadeth, there is almost zero chance. I deal with it. Although MGK or Demi Lovato music makes me want to jam ice picks into my ear canal, it’s more friendly to the ear and people are stupid, so I get it. I’m a realist. However, within my subset of music lies the most frustrating fan base I can imagine. Metal fans have been arguing about Metallica since 1991. 1) They sold out I HATE EVERYTHING THEY’VE DONE NOW 2) Well maybe but have YOU SOLD MILLIONS OF ALBUMS??? 3) THEY CAN DO NO WRONG YOUR WRONG KILL YOURSELF. (Yes, I spelled you’re wrong, just to capture the magic). Fast forward 31 years and this issue is no closer to resolution than the Gordian knot being untied.

Metal fans argue black metal vs. death metal, groove vs. trash, grindcore vs. deathcore (they both suck, fixed that argument), blah blah blah. It again boils down to who cares? Enjoy what you will. I hate pop. I don’t go around screaming at teenagers. Well, not for music – just if THEY’RE ON MY LAWN!!! Metal fans also love to yell into the wind about who is the better fan by quizzing people “WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THREE SONGS BY THE BAND??!!!” when they see someone rocking a shirt, rather than “Hey, that’s cool. Can we discuss what album we like best?” God forbid.

My favorite band that really took me to mach speed on metal was Pantera. I won’t bore everyone that can’t name one of their songs with tales of metal lore, but they are the only band I’ve ever been at the record store on day one to buy their stuff. Yes, they used to have record stores…that sold CD’s. Yes, CD’s were real. Anyhoo, the two remaining members announced they are going to tour again in 2023 and play songs. This is significant for a few reasons. They haven’t played since 2001. Their lead guitarist was killed onstage in another band in 2004, then his brother died many years later. It was horrible and traumatic and depressed the crap out of me. Twice.

That said, I saw the news – the singer and bass player, plus two really close friends filling in on guitar and drums on tour…playing songs I haven’t seen live since 2000 at Ozzfest. I’m in. Then I clicked the comments. Internet dregs screaming at each other that it was a money grab. So the guys that are still alive should never make money ever again? Off the songs they helped write? OK, cool. I agree – that means we can’t support any band without the original lineup. Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, KISS, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Slayer, Alice In Chains, Foo Fighters….should I keep going? How dumb.

To be fair, the band wasn’t getting along when they were “on a break” but I’M THE BIGGEST FAN AND I’LL BE DAMNED I ENJOY SOMETHING NOT 100% LIKE I HEARD IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! (Even though the guitar tech signed on, the guitar player touring was Dimebag from Pantera’s best friend, his long term girlfriend and estate heir approved…etc. etc. etc. You get it. BUT JERRY IN ABILENE SAYS NO! WE CAN NEVER ENJOY ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! Well, Jerry, stuff it, because I’m going, mostly to hear Dime’s riffs and Vinnie’s drums for the first time since I was 21 years old and if you don’t like, go back to mom’s basement and shove your 25 year old burnt CD collection up your poopshoot. Far Beyond Driven, to the layman. Getcha pull.

Isn’t this a comedy site? WELL IT WAS THANKS COVID I HAVE THREE FN SHOWS A YEAR NOW SO I’M REVIEWING 31 YEAR OLD NES GAMES KISS MY GRITS

Hey everyone, sorry for the caps, but since I do about nothing in comedy, I’m reviewing games from my emulator! I bought a system online that literally has every NES game ever and now I never need to interact with anyone ever again, basically. Today’s review that no one will read because it’s from when Skid Row had a number one album? (Slave to the Grind still rips, eat my nethers, haters) TECMO SUPER BOWL!

TSB was the greatest football game until probably 1996 or after. It was the first game, at least on a console, with all the teams, all the players and stats. Delicious, delicious stats. Also, it actually had 11 players on each side. The first Tecmo Bowl was pretty cool, except the programmers couldn’t handle 22 players, all the teams, and oh yeah, there were literal unstoppable plays. The 49ers had a play that worked every time for a touchdown/first down. Oops. So I’m passing on that one.

TSB is not perfect, by modern standards at all. Due to limitations, the starting QB is on the kick return team wedge. This is probably the most unrealistic thing in a game ever. Imagine Tom Brady fielding an onside kick and getting injured for the year. Also, the defensive strategy for the most part is that you have no actual defense to run, you pick the play you THINK the offense will run (there are eight plays) and if you pick it, your defense magically breaks through the line and sacks the QB for a loss. If not? The offense is probably going to score a TD. Seriously, if you have Bo Jackson or Barry Sanders, you are unstoppable. The game has a slight glitch where you can go left and right and make the defense miss every tackle if your player is fast enough. It’s not uncommon to ring up 250 yards a game rushing with a good back, especially crazy since there’s five minute quarters and the clock doesn’t stop half the time. Plus the if you pick a running play to stop, your entire defensive backfield is all “Meh, we aren’t covering anyone.”

All that said, it’s a blast to play real teams (unless your team sucked in 1990-91, I’m a Steelers fan and the starting lineup of Bubby Brister, Merrill Hoge and Louis Lipps at 39 years old is not the best). The stats are amazing as well, it doesn’t track tackles, but everything else is pretty much logged. For all the flaws by modern standards, it was single handedly the most popular sports game in the 90’s. We still played it in my freshmen dorm in 1997 with Gameday and Madden out. The nice thing about the emulator I got is that someone let out hacks and I’m currently 10 games into the season but with 2006 rosters, which is awesome unless you’re playing the Chargers offense with Tomlinson and Gates.

All in all, it holds up, at least for a bit. You can set your own playbook, but only get eight plays once the game starts and half your team’s performance depends upon the mysterious player status which goes from bad, average, good and excellent with no rhyme or reason. If your RB or QB are bad, good luck, but if they’re excellent, you will score 50 points blindfolded. Half the fun at my age is seeing the old rosters and remembering how much I hated certain players and loved other ones. The 91 Steelers suck balls on offense, but playing with Rod Woodson and Greg Lloyd made me pee a little. 9/10.

Now that the headline grabbed your attention, can we stop declaring wars on things that aren’t wars? War on Christmas, war on women, war on families, war on Lhasa Apsos, I can’t keep them all straight. I heard the war on the environment brought up last week. How do you fight the environment? Missiles? Flanking maneuvers? I give up. That said, if we are doing wars on Christmas, here’s the parts we need to beef up defense spending on.

Buying for anyone over 35. Let’s face it, if you’re over a certain age, you can buy whatever you want, at least within reason. Sorry, helicopters are out of my budget, second cousin. I remember getting my dad things as a kid only to find them six months later in the package still. Rather than do this dance, tell me what bottle of liquor you want or you’re getting a gift card. Is it really a thoughtful gesture when you have to ask the person what they need from you? NOPE, BOURBON, VODKA OR HERE COMES THE APPLEBEES CARD BRUH.

Glitter on Christmas decorations. Or anything really. Glitter is the BO of decorative material, you can’t make it go away if you are within a mile of it. I know, I have a daughter. If you even look at glitter, it screams and explodes, making everything shiny for the next seven years, no matter how much you vacuum.

Elf on a Shelf. I can’t remember where my wallet is in the morning. I’m not moving around some $2 toy every day for a month. Kiss my ass, you spindly armed menace.

Christmas music “remakes”. Bing Crosby, Andy Williams or Nat King Cole did it? Buzz off, Taylor Swift or Nick Jonas. I don’t need to hear Green Day singing a pop punk Frosty the Snowman. Also, on this topic, don’t be the complaining about Christmas music person when you literally listen the same pop music station 11 months a year. They play a Dua Lipa every hour on the hour and you’re going to bitch you heard Silent Night twice in a week? You stink.

That’s it for now, but it’s early and I’m sure I’ll have more. LET THE WAR BEGIN!

Apparently some people don’t know how this works, so here’s some rules.

Take one means take two if no one’s looking, but taking three is just a bridge too far, Aiden. Get your damn greedy mitts out of my bowl.

If you’re driving a car and not wearing a costume, you’re getting called out. MCD’S IS OFFERING SIGNING BONUSES NOW PIMPLE FACE, GET YOUR ASS A JOB AND LEAVE THE CANDY FOR KIDS.

If you have fifteen $200 blow up spiders and Jack Skellingtons in your yard, but aren’t giving away candy, you are a scumbag. Your front yard decorations cost more than car is worth and you can’t give away a couple Zagnuts? I’m joining the teenage no costume kids later and egging your house.

CANDY, PEOPLE, CANDY. NOT LOW CAL SNACK BAGS, GLUTEN FREE WHATEVER, GIVE MY KIDS (aka me when they’re asleep) SUGAR AND CHOCOLATE OR STICK THE FIBER ONE WHATEVER WHERE THE COBWEBS GROW.

Lastly, it must be in the unwritten law of the universe that it has to rain every year. Apparently Mother Nature is giving away hypothermia for Halloween. This is why I hiss like a vampire leaving the house, you mean old bag. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A SEXY NURSE IN THIS WEATHER? C’MON!

My kids love the zoo and they serve beer, so I love it too. When the crowds are light, and it’s not too hot, and my daughter doesn’t pick out a $54 elephant toy, that is. I realized this past weekend that while we are focusing on lions, bears and rhinos, the most common species is just walking around uncaged the whole time!

That’s right, everyone, the Appalachian Mud Cricket is all around. A migratory species, she proudly travels north from her home in the rolling hills down to the river valley of central Ohio each weekend. Her offspring, too numerous to count, is close behind, as they are too young to gather food for themselves, like their preferred dietary supplement Mountain Dew or the special treat known as cotton candy. Her mate, usually temporary, can be seen in tow. The male species is often seen in jeans and work boots, despite the sweltering heat, for showing his legs is major detriment in the mating game, although sleeves are removed to keep the male as cool as is possible in the summer.

The female is usually adorned with unfinished tattoos in odd places, shown by her inappropriate apparel that other, more advanced species frown upon. Ill fitting shorts and crop tops are not off limits to the Appalachian Mud Cricket, no matter how many children or meth sores are present! After all, her mate may return to prison at any time and she must begin working on the next.

Overall, the AMC and her mates stand apart by their complete disregard for no smoking signs and foul language in public. Hygiene is also largely ignored by the entire species. Do not confront the AMC, especially ones wearing Tazmanian devil tees. They are aggressive and yell things like “AIN’T NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!” and “SHUT UP BITCH YOU DON’T SKEER ME!” If you hear, “AH NAW YOU DIT INT!” then walk away slowly, maintaining eye contact and hope for cooler weather, when they return to their hibernation lands.

“Boy, we sure could use a vacation to relieve some stress!” – America right now. “We’ll see about that, you bastard!” – my vacation last week. We decided to pack up and head out when my wife’s schedule changed and found a great place on Lake Erie. It had a small private beach, pool and even a full playground on the site. Then the worst storm since 1972 hit the day we were leaving. The temperature, which was almost 90 degrees in mid May, dropped under 50 with 40 mph winds. Literally an hour before we were supposed to leave, the condo owner called me up. “There’s massive flooding, the bridge is out and we can’t get to the condo, what do you want to do?” Well, thanks for asking. I was going to boost up the nitro in the family SUV and Bo and Luke Duke it over the river. Seriously? We aren’t coming today, I guess.

There was one small issue. My daughter heard they had a pool and a beach. She was swimming today come hell or, well, high water. I called an indoor water park – full. I called another and they had literally one room left. The lady was very nice and began describing it to me in great detail. “Does that fit your needs?” What is it with these questions? IS IT OPEN? YES? I’LL TAKE IT. Of course it was a great bargain booking the day of on a three day weekend, but whatever.

I had to call the next morning as our check out was mere minutes away. “Hey, any updates?” He replied, “Oh yes, everything is good, the bridge is back to operational.” GEE THANKS, I WAS IN NO HURRY TO FIND OUT. The rest of the trip went well, excepting that the storm had washed up two massive dead fish and a goose onto the small beach area…and the pool was closed due to sand washing up into it…and my son got up at 2:30 for absolutely no reason the first night and stayed up…and my daughter began projectile vomiting all day the last day we were there. Other than that, it was very relaxing and my next vacation will be traveling to the laundry room with a handle of Dewar’s and Pantera on my iPod.