CHRIS COEN

I have been doing stand up for over four years now, not counting the one open mike I did at a bar at Easton mall in 2004.  That fine show involved a huge gong behind the mike.  I was the only comic not to get the dreaded gong.  In fairness, I brought nine of the 20 people, I think only one of the rest was paying attention.  Or I was a prodigy.  That sounds better.  Let’s stick w/ that.

People ask me if I do this full time.  I would love to, but I like to live in a house, own a car, and oh, yes – eat food not found in a dumpster.  When I first started, I heard it took 7-10 years to make a living doing comedy and I scoffed at these naysayers.  After all, I got solid laughs at least every other time I performed.  Now I realize they’re probably right, b/c I still work 40 hours a week.  That said, other than two days for a camping/concert trip, I use all my sick days, vacation, and personal days to travel for comedy.  This is a fine plan, as long as you 1) Have 40 days’ vacation or 2) Never get sick and can go w/out sleep.

My worst was a show in Morgantown, WV at the now out of business Club Octane.  The show was supposed to start at nine, with some WVU students (3-5 total) doing five minutes each.  Well, b/c college students are animals, no one showed up until 10:30 and the show was a mere hour and 45 minutes late.  Ten comics showed up and every single one went over time.  My personal favorite was the MC, who did at least three minutes b/w every comic.  I told him to button it up and he ignored me.  Then I threatened to beat his ass, so he kept it to two minutes for the last comic before.  The last one was a theater major and very drunk chick who had been heckling everyone all show (most deservedly, unfortunately).  She was so bad, 20 of the 50 patrons walked out during her seven minutes of hell.

I walked onstage at midnight, in a very foul mood.  A few minutes in, mommy’s mistake started heckling me.  I proceeded to tell her I would have her cutting her wrists in one minute if she wanted to keep up.  A string of four letter words and several pointed insults about her appearance later, she ran out in shame.  I got done and left at one staring at a four hour drive.  I then went to work at 7:45 am and pulled an eight hour shift.  That’s why when I see a new open miker ask about getting paid work after one five minute bomb of a set, I just smile, knowing the Hindenburg that is their dreams is about to go down.  You’ll quit in a month and the cycle begins anew.  Pick up a guitar, learn a G chord, then ask Columbia when you get your record deal – same logic.

I did the Zanesville Moose Lodge Saturday night with Justin Camp and Jeff Burgstrom.  It was a smash hit.  Camp opened the show with his randomness of funny and Jeff did probably 12 minutes of straight off the cuff crowd work.  I did about 35 minutes, but it felt like 10.  Broomstick Burgstrom observed that my voice took a more redneck tint than normal as I referenced Cannelville and the Muskingum County fair.  Guilty as charged.

The show went great and I actually sold a lot of shirts and DVD’s for the first time since February.  A guy in a wife beater, torn jeans, and a semi-mullet approached me afterwards and told me he would like more comedy down the road.  Before I could say anything, he told me he was an officer at the Lodge.   Nice guy, bad definition of wearing your “Sunday best.”  A really drunk guy stood up during Broomstick’s set and announced he drank straight George Dickel (whiskey).  He might of well had said he beats his wife.  Oh Zanesville, I can never escape you.

Groups stink.  I hate working in groups.  Did Edison sit around smoking pot w/ his bros and say “I got this filament, man.  What should we do with it?”  “Stick it in this glass water bong, bro!”  Of course not.  It’s so forced…

My big “travel” project in HS was the first shot across the bow.  My partner, Damon, showed up the morning it was due and had done exactly nothing, so I had to scramble together a salvagable B in one hour.  In college, I quit a group of 10 b/c the meetings were so long and unproductive, I nearly had a stroke.  I did the whole thing alone and got an A.  Like writing comedy in groups – yuck.  Let’s get together and have an organic session!  How about I write shit down and you tell me if it sucks or has potential.  There, we just saved two hours.

I had a condo meeting last night – actually kind of productive, but one lady there LOVES to bring up off topic points.  We were discussing whether to put speed bumps in and she looks up and says, “When are we closing the pool?”  Next month.  Then we talked about the carpet cleaning…”Is the clubhouse open for use?”  Yes, we talked about that 25 minutes ago.  Meeting adjourned!

I get impatience honestly and people really are dumb.  When I see someone not put a shopping cart in the corral even though it’s an arduous 10 steps away, I don’t request a meeting with the grocery store.  I hock a loogie on their car when they’re not looking.  As my football coach used to say, “Shit or get off the pot.”

– I think if your girlfriend beats you in anything athletic, you have to pee on her leg or stop a bank robbery to get back your manhood

– I was pumping gas and saw the trash can said “Do Not Litter”.  I’m pretty sure no one walks up to a trash can, reads that, and says “Shut up, trash can.  No one tells me what to do.”

– I think people who listen to Ke$ha have serious mental problems and have a dead spot in the arts section of their brain.

– The quickest way to make me angry is if I have a heated debate with an ESL (English Second Language) person.  There is something about arguing with someone who doesn’t understand me (and vice versa) that sets me off instantly.  Number two is when I wake up 25 minutes or less before my alarm goes off.  Day ruined.

Quick education of comedy shows.  Most (good shows) go in this order – emcee, feature, headliner.  The emcee gets a free sandwich or $20 bucks for 5-10 minutes, the feature makes enough not to jump off a bridge or careen off the road on the way home for his/her 25+ minutes, and headliner does not bad for a hopefully solid 45-60 minutes.

The other show I do a lot is the “open mike” at bars or clubs.  This involves usually 7-30 comics doing several minutes for no pay.  I currently emcee the Funny Bone’s open mike in Columbus a couple times a month.  It is a big thrill!  For a month.  The emcee has to hit a sober crowd that is more interested in wings and drink specials than some idiot’s material, plus they’re usually there to see their newbie pals, who are going to say “fucking” and “fuck” way too many times b/c they’re more nervous than a 15 year old staring at boobs for the first time.

Tuesday’s show was brutal, but I got a laugh or two nonetheless.  I had some good one-liners and got some free beers.  This, surprisingly, is an enviable position for new comics.  Imagine at your job you lead the branch in sales and instead of a bonus, you get a bottled water and an “Atta Boy!” from your undersexed balding sales manager instead of a commission check.  Well, now I am home drinking tall boys and listening to Black Label Society as my stinky dog sleeps.  Does it suck?  No, I got to tell strangers jokes and they laughed.  Life is good.  I have a paid show at a Moose Lodge this weekend!  Take that!  Looks like the “Most Likely to Succeed” award from my HS yearbook is blossoming now.

I had a show last week on the far side of Michigan.  It was the “break even” show, while the two shows Friday closer to Ohio was where I made my profit.  There was one problem – three weeks ago the double show cancelled.  It was a new booker I’ve been trying to work from for a while, so I kept the show, knowing I would make about $13 after gas.

The show was in a really nice, rich hotel where there were a lot of better looking women with older, probably rich men.  Show was good, but every time I asked a question, I got blank stares.  I assume this was the case, b/c the spotlight was brighter than a supernova.  I couldn’t see anything.  I asked the crowd if anyone had a bad job in this economy – nothing.  “Oh I forgot, you’re all rich.  You’re on vacation and don’t give a shit.”  Thunderous, yet empty laughter ensued.  After the show, I sold exactly one t-shirt.  Who says this job doesn’t pay!  I proceeded to talk to a nice couple after the show who had a lot of questions about comedy, so I told them about being heckled by a guy with Down’s Syndrome and another time a drunk lady puked on the stage.  Glamourous moments like this keep me inspired.