CHRIS COEN

I got a nice Christmas present from my lady – a trip to our nation’s capital.  She apparently has surmised I am somewhat patriotic…  We had a nice ride, mostly because all the government employees mass flee the city like rats in front of a fire once the weekend hits and tourists, mostly non-English speaking ones file in to fill the void.

There was a good start to the visit, as the hotel had free wine.  I don’t normally drink wine, but I wouldn’t turn down free alcohol if my liver was holding a gun to my head.  Then we enjoyed some really good sushi.  The weird part is that I’m pretty sure the hostess and our server were women, until they spoke.  I was jealous of their deep and booming voices.  I couldn’t get a voice that deep if I smoked Pall Malls while I slept every night.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if their mystery genitals were on their foreheads, the food was that good.  Good start, vacation, good start.

Why do movies played on TV have to attempt to cover up cursing?  I just heard Ben Stiller called Matt Dillon a “froggin’ ashpole.”  That’s not even remotely close to anything I’ve ever heard.

Why is E doing a special interview with Kristin Cavallari?  An hour?  “Well I was on the Hills then I dated Jay Cutler…and I like cheese…and lavender scents.  That’s all I got.”

I’m pretty sure it’s not possible to go one week without Chris Brown trying to punch someone.

I don’t know if anything makes me more uncomfortable than seeing a grown man cry.  OK, two guys kissing, but a grown man crying is up there.

I can write a blog three to five days a week.  I have (although mostly horrible) over 2 hours of stage tested jokes.  I can’t think of new t-shirt right now to save my life.  Maybe if someone told me no Kardashian would ever be on TV again…that’s a good motivator.

– If you call immediately after sending an email, but clearly before the person you sent the email to could possibly read said communication, then turn on a stove and stick your head inside.

– Do random spam boner emails actually work?  I receive five to ten a week, yet have never responded ever.  Maybe I’m missing the boat.  Look out for erectile dysfunction emails from chriscoencomedy.com.

– Snow in March is too much.  It’s like getting free beer when you’re lying in your own vomit in a truck stop bathroom.  Only me?  Well, forget it…it sucks.

– I heard someone mention Oprah last night.  Is she still alive?  Probably.  Can’t say I would care either way.

I hate infomercials – they’re way over the top with overly excited morons getting duped by weird looking hyper jackasses.  That said, I just got sucked in by one and I kind of hate myself.

I went to the grocery and heard they were giving away free stuff.  I couldn’t hear what it was, but I thought they said free food.  I shuffled over and realized for the amazing gift of a shitty fruit peeler, I had to listen to 15 minutes of a sales pitch for a vegetable slicer.  Well, I am clearly not buying this…but I’ll be nice.  It does a nice julienne cut though…even though I don’t really know what a julienne cut is…  OK, that’s enough, time to leave – there’s more?  It cuts steak fries?  That is cool.  Fast forward ten minutes and I got one.  They threw in some free shears, which are worth at least .75 cents on the open market.  What a deal!  On the drive home I remembered I haven’t sliced a vegetable since ever, but if I do, I’m set – unless of course the shitty third world construct fails me mid-slice and I lose part of my finger.

I went to the open mike this week and there was a new guy I had never seen before.  He walked up to the mike for the workshop, where comics try new material out for other comics.  This is an awkward thing, I tried a new joke and it got blank stares, mixed with deafening silence.  Well, that failed.

What was weird when my new friend went up to try his jokes was the fact he was wearing a light saber on his belt.  His joke had nothing to do with light sabers, rather about farting.  More specifically, what would happen if you farted directly into someone else’s butthole.  Yes.  Nothing about the light saber.  Other comics then offered up advice, most notably, what’s up with the Star Wars weapon?  The answer: “It’s a good luck charm.  I feel like I’m selling out talking about it.”  Then why wear it onstage?  “I don’t see why it’s weird.”  Of course not, lots of people get onstage in front of complete and total strangers wearing mythical weaponry.  Sorry we brought it up.  I think my next set I’m going to wear women’s underwear outside my pants.  I’m sure no one will notice.

Trends find a way to annoy me quickly.  Partly because of the trend, mostly because of the fact everyone likes to think they’re an expert or were the first.  I walked past the casino poker room last weekend and remembered when every man in American was Texas Slim, poker champion.  A lot of money changed hands before that petered out.

The worst thing ever is when someone takes a trend and tries to shove it down your throat.  Example one was ska music.  I was in college and had a chance to get a radio call in show.  Me and my pal Don had everything lined up and ready to roll, except one small detail – the last spot ahead of us was filled by a senior who loved ska music.  Don’t worry, I got the open spot for Adult Album Alternative.  I don’t know what that is either.  I quit the radio the next week.

Now Lincoln is cool all of the sudden.  Was it not cool to free slaves and preserve the Union before Spielberg’s movie?  Apparently not!  I know all us Millard Fillmore fanboys can’t wait for his bio to hit big!  At least people aren’t completely subject to stupid trends like mullets, Zubaz pants, and Ricky Martin.  I wouldn’t want to live in a world like that.