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I stink
I did not win the $1000 at the 80 person weekend shoot out. I had one person in the crowd, but that didn’t matter. I realized something – it is harder for me to do five minutes than 30. I tried to cram five jokes into five minutes, chopping up two pretty badly. Plus, with a minute to go, I tried to wedge my two minute joke about a mentally handicapped man shaking his mule at me in the set. I got laughs, but not best of 20 comics in the finals laughs. I blew it.
What is funny is watching everyone’s faces (I went last) as they come out. Almost everyone in a finals looks like an eight year old that found out how Mom and Dad made them. Confused, regretful, tired and empty from the lost innocence. About three came out and felt strong about their sets, which on all three was a steely eyed glare, pursed lips, and a “Hell yeah!” head nod motion. Only one of the three that did that made the top three. I love listening to why comics rationalize their sets, good or bad. One guy said his family being there distracted him (how dare they support him), another mentioned there were too many old people. Yet another said they wore the wrong outfit. Should have went with the pimp suit, friend. Oh, tales of regret and opportunities lost. At least I still have my other gigs and Jamboree in the Hills this month.
July 4th, 1776
On this day, in 1776, a group of men, tired of oppressive government, which would not allow for representation, finalized their statement. They boldly signed their names upon the pain of death through the charge of treason, defying King George III. Just a decade before, all considered themselves Englishmen, but on this day became Americans. Even more amazingly, they would hold on for dear life against the greatest military power on earth. From Washington’s miraculous escape from New York after the British swarmed Jamaica Pass and the incredible fog that saved his army by covering his escape, to the private contributions from patriots that kept the fledgling army together; the whole American experiment is truly a miracle.
Even more incredible, these men, once victorious, fought – not to gain control or assume a new monarchy – but to limit the overreaching power of government. They restricted federal power, giving more to the states so our voices could be heard over the din of the mob. Like Cincinnatus, they put down the sword and picked back up the plow. The principles they laid out in this Declaration would later be used by great men like Abraham Lincoln to destroy the abomination of slavery so that all men would be free. These rights are not the government’s to give and take away. They are ours, endowed by our Creator. Millions have died or given all of themselves, but the experiment still stands. Even more millions have fled under our protection for religious freedom, economic liberty, and a second chance. We have no defining ethnicity, no set culture, no line of kings, but we have one thing we require to join our union – you must love freedom. You must respect liberty. We are, as so many have said, “the shining city on the hill.” Remember today to thank a veteran and also to realize how important your role is to defending freedom from the forces of tyranny. We are always dangerously on the precipe of oppression; take your vote and your liberty to heart.
The competition
I made it to the finals of the Wiley’s Comedy Club “Funniest Person” contest. I initially felt bad, b/c I get a lot of paid work, but then I remembered how many miles I put on my car, spent on gas, and shitty hotels I generally stay in, so eat me.
The first guy (of 20) tonight got off to a hot start, then said, “Lawyers are like blacks, we get stereotyped.” Done. Nice effort. A chick drove seven hours from Toronto. Bounced. Funny, but Good Lord. Seven hours? The guy that went up before me had never done comedy before…and it showed. He not only was in his 50’s, he was rather stumpy. He fell down getting onstage and I shook my head. 
Then I realized it wasn’t part of the act as he took 20 seconds dragging his feeble body to its feet. He was shaking so bad, I nearly had a seizure. He bombed doing a five minute bit about the thickness of meat slicing…big shock.
I did very well, and had some good crowd work. I now move on for a chance to win $1000. They had a recall to get the comics back and old man MS fell down again. I’m sure there is a parable in there, but I’m too drunk and mean to figure it out. See you Sunday at Wiley’s!
Back on the horse
I’ve won three comedy competitions in my day, lost I think seven or eight others. When I won, I said “Thank God, I don’t have to do that anymore.” When I lost, I said, “That’s the last one ever.” Then I do it again. This weekend I’m doing Wiley’s in Dayton. It’s for $1000, but you have to outlast 79 others. That’s bad odds, but the things I could do with a grand…like pay bills. Oooo, I’m getting antsy in the pantsy thinking about that excitement and pure unbridled fun. Take that society, with all your rules!
Last year I did it and had easily the best five minute set of my life. I got booted in the first round. Some trailer park trash brought 70 people and won the whole thing with less than four months of experience. After his set, he told me about going out on the road. I was floored that he was out on the road at that stage…until he told me “on the road” meant he did a Sunday show at a bar a county over for $20. Ah yes, the Killing Road. Did your wife leave you? Sounds like a Merle Haggard song is about to play. On the drive home I was annoyed and said no more of these. Then I won “Funniest Person in Cincy; Semi-Pro.” Look out Wiley’s, I’m back!
New comics!
I hosted the Columbus Funny Bone’s open mike Tuesday and there were three new comics. A rather non-thin chick with a deep voice, an Aryan looking dude with three kids, and a hyper black guy who said “MAN!” at least 45 times in five minutes. The first time you do comedy you are TERRIFIED. That said, other comics don’t speak to you. Why? It’s like Band of Brothers. Why make nice to the newb that might take a bullet and die, i.e. quit after a month? If you don’t know him, then whatever.
After going over two minutes, newbie Sons of Anarchy guy kept apologizing to me, like I owned the club. I’m the emcee. I get free beers and a meal (sometimes). I don’t care. Then he asked me to critique his set. 1) I didn’t listen. You’re new and I knew you would suck. 2) You’re new. You are going to quit, 95% chance, within three weeks. 3) All new comics bomb. Fact. Jim Carrey got booed off the stage. Brian Regan’s first set was at a movie theater before a Mickey Mouse movie. 4) Everyone that gives advice usually sucks. Tape your act, tough it out for six+ months. Then we’ll talk.