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I have done so many different rooms, it even makes me go hmmmm.  (Bad C&C Music Factory reference – that song sucked).  I have performed at HS reunions, wedding anniversaries, VFW’s, concerts, bars, clubs, private parties and corporate events to name a few.  Here are Chris Coen’s official “ways to ensure a bad comedy show.”

– Have the show outside.  Nothing makes a show great like a semi releasing a jake brake or a train rumbling in the background.  I did a show once outside and fireworks were going off.  That’s not distracting.  Can we add a public execution?

– Leave the TV’s on.  I did a show once and the first round of the NCAA tourney was going on.  Thank God no one in America fills out a bracket.  OH WAIT!  Everyone does.  I asked the bar owner to kill the TV’s and he got sassy w/ me.  Why have comedy then, you graphic t-shirt wearing bald piece of shit comedy guru?  Too harsh?  Not at all.  Turn off the g/d sports or cancel the show.

– Don’t stick a comedy show in a bar and not tell the regulars.  You have Drunky McGee who spends 50% of his post tax earnings in this bar and tells everyone his life story sitting at the bar, then you cram a show in.  He is pissed you’re interrupting his diatribe about the tough day at the ol’ body shop and heckles me.  I destroy him, as is the rule, then no one tosses him, b/c he spends $200 a week in the bar.  He then tries to fight me, b/c he’s a regular.  Good for everyone!

– Book a show at a bar and put more than four comics in it.  Let’s see…I don’t have three good comics…I got it!  Let’s put eight shitty ones on the venue!  Genius!  One of them has to do OK.  It’s science!  I did a gig once where the “booker” came up to me at the Funny Bone in Columbus before the show.  “What number were you?”  I emceed, there were 12 comics.  “OK, what number were you?”  I was first.  And also third, fifth, seventh…  He didn’t get my sarcasm and had me emcee his show.  He booked 9 comics and told them all to do 20 minutes.  Worst show ever.  More about that in another blog…

– Don’t have a good mike and open the buffet when I walk onstage.  Yes, this happened to me once.  I was at a 10 million dollar clubhouse.  I walked onstage – but the activities director said, “Welcome to comedy night.  Also, the food line is open.  Go ahead and get your food now.  Here’s your first act, Chris Coen!”  All I heard was metal utensils hitting plates for 20 minutes.  Then the mike started cutting out.  Thanks, dick!  Maybe you can turn on the blow job machine right when I start!  Thanks!

There are a lot of strange people at my gym.  Here is a list of the loons.

Guy who talks to you, even though you have an iPod.  Why are you speaking?  I can’t hear and I’m in the middle of a set.  Lady who wears a button up sweater and jeans.  Please tell me you shower before just riding the day out with sweaty clothes.  Guy who wears a purple sweatband that is at least 15 years old.  It’s old and purple.  Here’s a dollar.  Get a new one.  Girl who wears too little.  You’re cool, continue.  Old lady who does 50 reps on every machine with no weight.  You’re 70.  Why are you working out?

Others include “my outfit completely matches, bro.”  Right down to your black Nike socks and wrist bands!  You and your hair gel annoy me.  Probably the most hateable douche except…eat food in the locker room man.  Your body can go 7 minutes without protein, veiny forearms guy.  Stop eating your tuna spread and wheat crackers in here.  Finally, that’s enough old guy who is way too cool talking to others while naked.  Put on your discolored undies and get the hell out of my zone of non-male nudity.

This phrase is said a lot at shows, but it has a pretty deep and meaningful purpose.  I did an open mike at Surly Girl in Columbus last night.  I used to do every open mike every night when I first started and I would like to do more, but the strain of working full time, plus the lateness of the shows kill my ability to do them sometimes.  Plus, as you get a solid act, it’s mentally tough to try new stuff for various sized, usually smaller crowds, that could bomb.

That said, every great comic has to figure it out.  The only way is try new material until you get some good stuff, plus all the other ancillary things.  For example, when I first started, I was so nervous, I would stomp all over my punchlines by starting a joke when laughs were still going on.  “That’s why I never get laid.”  (Laughter)  My brain immediately said -NEXT JOKE!  NEXT JOKE!  Plus I used to take a drink of beer after every semi-supposed to be funny line.  I watched my first feature set (I had put it on MySpace) and I drank a bucket of beer in 22 minutes.  That’s not distracting at all.  Or helpful for my legal driving status.  By the way, I deleted that stream due to extreme humiliation at my unfunniness in 2007.  It made me feel terrible watching it alone.

Most importantly, if there’s no audience, there’s no comedy.  I did a show early on where the bar owner was pissed that only four people showed up.  He told me if I didn’t do 45 minutes, I was not getting paid.  The bounty?  $40.  That was the longest night of Andy DuFrain’s life.  So thanks for coming out and watching me in the past and other probably not that funny or horribly awkward comics stumble around their acts like drunks during Mardi Gras.  That said, if you don’t laugh, we may attack you.

Side note – check out www.columbusisfunny.com for local Columbus shows.  Unless you don’t live in Columbus, Ohio…then I have nothing for ya, man.  Flava Flav’s got problems of his own.

The biggest/most pointless news of the week was the final release of two Americans (the other one got released earlier) from an Iranian prison after two years.  Oh joyous day!  How did they get there, pray tell?  They were hiking…on the Iraq/Iran border…in 2009.  Then they got out and trashed American prisons also – citing the Iranian guards’ propaganda.  This requires a few points.

First, who the blue hell hikes in general?  What a dumb idea.  I don’t like hiking in Ohio.  Let’s travel to a small mountain and walk around until we pull a muscle, get jean rash, contract lyme disease from a deer tick, and possibly fall off and die or lose a limb that guy in 127 Hours who sawed his own arm off with a pocket knife.  Wheee!  More importantly, who hikes in the Middle Fucking East?  To the west, Iraq, site of two American wars since 1991.  To the east, Iran, which is run by radical Islamists and a bearded midget who denies the existence of gays and oh by the way, says the Zionist state of Israel should be eradicated, due to the Jews.  Who else said things like that…oh that’s right, Hitler!

Finally, why trash America on the way out?  Have you been to Gitmo or did you take that nice religious fascist guard’s word for it as he butt stroked your sissy ass with a Soviet era assault rifle?  I’d listen to that guy, he clearly knows human rights like the back of his hand, which will be cut off if he pilfers a loaf of bread.  You know what?  You’re dumber than the chick who just had Kevin Federline’s 48th baby.  Shut your dirty hippie mouth and enjoy the free country you have so much disdain for.  (Fireworks in background, bald eagle flies overhead, craps on picture of Ahmadinejad)

All – my show at the Columbus Funny Bone show this Thursday just moved to Sunday.  Same time, different day.

I had rough run last week.  Wednesday only 9 people showed up.  Friday a table of 70 year olds wouldn’t even turn around to look at me.  I love doing comedy for senior citizens.  We have so much in common.  Saturday was the revival.  I went up, laid it out and did 32 minutes of jokes.  The front row was dying laughing, but no one else was on board and I was getting frustrated.

I left the stage, annoyed.  I listened to the headliner for a few, then hotboxed a cig.  As I came back in, I realized the mike or back spearkers were off the whole time I was onstage because everything was loud and clear.  I wasted 32 minutes of my time and the audience’s time.  Deep sigh.

Most uplifting, somehow my resume made the promo at the restaurant, not my bio.  This means anyone walking past could easily write down my home address, cell #, email address and check out my comedy references.  That’s nice.  Maybe I’ll get some home visits from psychos!  Come on in, random person from random show!  Want to stay in my guest room?  Don’t rob me blind, tee hee!