Author: Chris

When you have a toddler, each day is a new adventure.  One day, your little learns a new word, skill or even dance move.  It’s fun and great and everyone is happy.  Usually.

My daughter learned how to climb in the tub last week on her own.  She just scaled the wall of the bath and hopped right in the kiddie pool tub thing, whatever it’s called.  (Dad doesn’t learn new stuff anymore, he’s old.)  It was a riot.  The next day, she did it again!  Haha, look at that!  Then Momma realized her diaper was full of more shit than your average Congressperson.  Yay!  New skills!  The water was dumped, the pool refilled and poo was all over the place.  I got to hold an angry, naked timebomb who had her precious splash time interrupted while my wife cleaned the bathroom, which now resembled a working farm.

Maybe learning time should be bottled up and saved for potty training instead.  I vote for that.

I’m very pleased to announce that I will be putting on a benefit show December 13 at the Shadowbox Cabaret’s Backstage Bistro in Columbus.  This event will benefit – 100% of ticket sales – Pets for Patriots and Dogs on Deployment.  The former helps hook up shelter pets with our veterans and also assists with animal care for the pets of our military veterans.  The latter group helps find foster homes for the pets of active duty military on deployment.  You can check them out at www.petsforpatriots.org and www.dogsondeployment.org.  You can buy tickets right now at www.shadowboxlive.org/shows/tuesdays (scroll to the bottom, look for the Pets and Vets show).

Also – if you can’t attend, that’s OK.  The good folks at Pets for Patriots set up this page which is running until December 13 to collect donations STARTING NOW.  Even if you can’t give anything, please share the link.  https://www.crowdrise.com/pets-and-vets-comedy-benefit-show/fundraiser/petsforpatriots

I really believe in these organizations.  When I had to put my dog Stringbean down after 12 years of having him, I wanted to find a way to help abandoned animals, but I wasn’t sure where to start.  Over the summer, I saw over and over the stories about veteran suicide rates.  I lost my uncle over five years ago to suicide when his cancer came back, cancer possibly caused by Agent Orange (he was a helicopter mechanic in Vietnam).  I believe these two groups are agents of goodness and are trying to help our service members, current and past, through the love of our animals.  Plus, I’ll beat you up if you don’t support this show.

A big thank you in advance to both organizations for their direction and support of this effort, the comedians who are doing this show and Shadowbox Cabaret for hosting, especially Nickey Winkelman for the flyer (I was going to draw bald eagles on the back of a Bob Evans placemat) and her and Jimmy Mak’s help in getting the ball rolling on this show.

Lastly, if anyone has any items they would like to raffle at the show, please contact me via the contact form on this site.  All proceeds at the show will go to these fine charitable organizations.  Thanks all for sharing and hope to see you there!  Happy Veterans Day!

Everyone is a historian.  Everyone is also a lawyer.  And a doctor.  And knows how you HAVE to vote.  No, don’t vote based on your independent thought, listen to Jerry.  He’s got it figured out.

The parties may have nominated the only two people who would be tied at this point in the election.  Did you know John Adams and Thomas Jefferson ran against each other?  Twice?

Apparently, you should forget your entire life experiences and just read this ONE story.  It will change EVERYTHING.  I think I’ve seen that post shared about 99 times and it’s different each time.

Everything is racist.  I know this because my white progressive friends constantly let me know.  Racism is also over, some of my other white friends let me know that.  In other words, white people have got this covered.

I learned people that post over three political posts a day need to get laid or take up birdhouse making or something…anything.  Also, if you agree 100% with any human being on earth, I’ll kiss your ass – but in politics there sure are a lot of one hundred percenters out there.  It’s the anomaly of politics contrasted against how we conduct ourselves in real life.  If you can’t find something to criticize or admit flaw in your preferred candidate, you’re officially a drone.  They’ve got you right they want you.

Vote for whomever you want; that’s your call.  If you don’t care to research anything, then please don’t vote.  You can do that too!  The president isn’t supposed to matter that much in our lives, but the government has so much power over the individual now look what it has done.  I’ve seen online witch hunts to find who supports whom, people going into the darkest corners of the internet to fight with strangers (that always works!) and even friendships severed over this election.  It truly has been bizarre.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading – I have a big announcement coming out regarding a benefit show next week I’m very excited about, so stay tuned!

 

We decided to go to the zoo this past weekend.  We had a good time, even though thanks to good weather and Halloween, it couldn’t have been busier if they were giving away powerball tickets.  There were tons of kids in costume, and way too many adults without kids dressed up at the zoo.  I’m all for having costume party fun, but if you’re over 15 and you’re walking around at noon dressed like a clown or robot for no reason, you’re one bad week away from being an adult baby.

We saw the wolves running around.  I like wolves…until I saw this!

These Mexican wolves are taking zoo jobs from hard working ‘Merican wolves!  I had to move on quickly.

Next we saw a cougar very close to us.  I prefer Mountain Lion, because it sounds tougher, but it was a really cool animal.

It wouldn’t cooperate with my photo skills, but not bad.  The dots on the glass are for stupid birds that fly into glass.  Birds are dumber than cougars that don’t pose for pictures.

Well, all birds except this kind.

I love bald eagles, they are so cool.  There was also a rack of dead rats underneath it that was pretty cool.  I like to think the rats were planning on undermining liberty, so my friend Sam kicked some rat ass.  All Eagles are named Sam, George or Abraham.  They didn’t have that on the sign, but it’s true.  Damn zoo people don’t know anything about eagles.

It’s 2016, so my average day includes work, parenting, husbanding and the normal functions of life.  Oh and deleting seventy-six emails a day.  “Why don’t you unsubscribe?”  Because my eyesight is bad and my phone isn’t one of those tablet sizes.  Here’s my favorite ones from this week.

Sears/Craftsman rewards update.  I bought a new fridge and these sons of bitches email me like I need a new refrigerator every six and a half days.  If my fridge dies before it’s paid off, I’m shoving it up the salesman’s ass that sold it to me.

Fantasy Football.  Yahoo fantasy football sends me a weekly recap, which goes like this.  “Your team really underachieved this week!”  How about your projections are dog poo, yahoo.  Thanks for the email also, I didn’t notice how the last place team overshot his score by 40% when he played me.

Joke reminders.  I sometimes email myself joke ideas.  I have deleted about 90% of them because I read it and think, “That’s why you’re not in improv.”

Columbia House.  I joined to get free crap and for the last ten years, haven’t bought one other item.  Not one.  You can only unjoin if you call during business hours, which I have not remembered once in a decade to do.  I have however denied 47 romcoms since 2006.  Sorry Kate Hudson, not feeling it this decade.

Most comedy shows are pretty straightforward; stand-up comedy for a designated amount of time with an emcee, one or two features and then a headliner.  Tomorrow night will be a little bit different.  I taking part in a show that features all brand new material from several of Columbus’s finest at Shadowbox downtown.  As a bonus, it’s all Halloween based.  http://www.shadowboxlive.org/shows/tuesdays

Not only are costumes encouraged, all the performers are wearing them, including myself, which is appropriate, considering my part is a slideshow walk through Halloween memories of past costumes.  I am starting with my childhood (which includes the school play that set back progress in this country at least 15 years), strolling through college (which includes my never fulfilled future as street pimp and how I would dress if women never existed) and finishing up with more recent selections like my Britney Spears comeback attempt.  I think I pulled it off better than Britney.  Get tickets reserved soon, the show is tomorrow, October 25, at 8 pm!

Here’s a preview: