Author: Chris

How in the hell does my wife not lose a foot or hand in the winter?  They’re below freezing in August.  Oh I know, she shoves her bloodless ice blocks under my shirt when I’m sitting on the couch.

How in the hell do cokeheads survive the winter?  My nose starts bleeding in mid-November and doesn’t stop until April.  If I added snorting something abrasive, I’d have to walk around with a sock in each nostril.

How in the hell can the History Channel go an entire week and not show ONE DAMN HISTORY SHOW?  ENOUGH WITH ALASKAN SHIT, GIVE ME WAR STUFF NOW.  YOU TOO NAT GEO – WE GET IT, ALASKAN PEOPLE ARE GREAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE 40 HOURS A WEEK ABOUT THEM.

How in the hell can I get someone to wrap my gifts this year?  Is there a barter system?  I’ll tell you a dirty joke for each present wrapped and I’ll supply the material.  Please God don’t let my five year old wrapping skills have to come out again.

Since the beginning of recorded history, men have hunted to provide meat to their tribes, families and loved ones.  I finally undertook this great journey and I learned a lot.  Not anything useful, but a lot.

My wife told me my father-in-law and uncle-in-law (I think that’s how you say it) were going hunting.  I had discussed it in years past, so I decided to join in.  I called the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, like the cavemen did, to find out what I needed.  “I’m calling about a hunting license, but it’s on my father-in-law’s land.”  “You need a license, it’s not your dad!”, she snapped.  A little aggressive.  “Do I need the antlerless or either sex permit?”  “Unless you want to be poaching.”  “Even before I shoot one I need a tag?”  “Go ahead and poach and see what happens.”  Well, screw me for asking questions on the first shot.  I guess I was supposed to know the entire wildlife law from birth.

Side note: I left the permit and tag at home, so after all that back and forth, it was for nothing.  Ohio law won’t let you reprint or access the license either, even when paid for.  I love government.

I take that picture caption back – I saw a TON of deer shit.  Just no deer.  Not one.  I saw bark stripped off trees, hoof prints, two salt licks devoid of activity and a bird.  Five hours of walking around.  I did find a small cemetery with a Revolutionary War vet gravestone, so that was cool.  Not five hours walking into thornbushes cool, but not bad.

I then realized that was probably the best scenario.  Here’s the other options – I shoot a deer, have to gut it, drag it all over the hills and get busted for poaching since I forgot the sheet of paper I already paid for, even though 7000 deer get hit by cars every hour in Ohio and no one needs a license for that.  Option B – some drunken redneck fires a slug into my ass and I have to walk around for the rest of life using a colostomy bag.  I think next year I’ll focus on this –

I found this in the off road vehicle.  Shotgun shells and Busch Light double deucers.  That’s next year’s plan.

Monday was ablaze here in Columbus as a knife-wielding maniac plowed his car into a crowd and began slashing away (the second one this year, let’s hope the quota for assholes with blades has been met).  Amazingly, no one was killed, well except the loon, which is nice work by the cop on the scene and also the emergency personnel.

THEN COMES THE INTERNET IN TO RUIN EVERYONE’S GOOD FEELINGS!

Here’s some dummery.  A guy posted that a white cop shot a black guy with a knife and we should be upset about that.  So how does this work, then?  Should the cop call a timeout, get a cop of the same race to shoot the attacker?  Can he run him over with a car, since that was used also?  I got it – he should slide him a gun, so they’re both equally armed…or pull out his cop machete!  Problem solved!

Another one – a lady posted on Facebook that she felt bad for the guy (hmmm…OK) and it was probably all the racists in white Ohio. Last I checked, Ohio isn’t all white.  Also, he was upset about the portrayal of his religion, not his race, but either way – KNIFE ATTACK WINS THE OFFENSIVE CONTEST.  If I call you a douchebag and you swing a knife at me; you went over and above the normal, acceptable level.  That’s called ordered society.  The best part of this?  This lady was white.  Thanks white lady, for helping me understand how racist my state is, which you’ve never been to.

How about this?  How about you keep the commentary down until we make sure everyone is OK and get all the facts?  Sound like a plan?  Or instead, you do us a favor and cut your own index fingers and thumbs off so you can’t type dumb dumb on the magic computer box and depress the rest of us?

Fall is my favorite season, mostly because all the other ones suck.  Spring?  Still freezing for half of it and muddy, tons of crap to do around the house.  Summer?  I sweat if I move and the only thing on TV is golf.  Fall?  Nice temperature, football starts, holidays approaching.  Then we have winter.

Winter’s good points?  Christmas, New Year’s, fun in the snow (once).  Sometimes new TV shows.

Winter’s bad points?  Shoveling snow at 4 am just to get to work, then shoveling again to get back in driveway when home.  45 minutes to drive anywhere because people all become stupefied by snowflakes.  Dark at five pm.  Post New Year’s is the most depressing 2 month stretch of the year.  Chapped lips.  Dry feet turn into what can only be described as hooves and cracked hands.  Black dirty snow and ice all over your car, which takes seven hours to warm up and defrost.  Floors constantly wet or dirty.  Dry air.  Snot and booger production off the charts.  Inability to exercise (OK, that one’s not as bad).  Football ends.  Wife puts sub-zero feet in middle of my back at night.  Kid can’t go outside to burn off kid energy without a two hour ordeal of winterizing.  White Walkers killing all the Wildlings.  Vikings attack the granaries you worked all summer to stock up.  Everyone is sick every three minutes.

At least there’s chili everywhere and you can put beer outside at parties without it getting warm.  Not worth your nose bleeding when you sneeze because the air is more dry than Cairo in July, but it’s something.

* Really quick side note – my fundraiser for Pets for Patriots is going until December 13.   Please help me raise to my goal by giving as little as $10 or if you can’t give, by sharing the link on social media.  The money goes to help veterans with PTSD give shelter pets a home (win/win) and other great things, like help veterinary care for the pets of our veterans that can’t afford it.

Link is here: https://www.crowdrise.com/pets-and-vets-comedy-benefit-show/fundraiser/petsforpatriots

Well, it’s Thanksgiving week and I thought we should run down things we’re thankful for.

1) We are thankful that the election is over.  It was rough, but at least people can focus on other things…what’s that?  Protests?  Protests about protests?  Cries of racism?  Cries of fake racism accusations?  Well, it looks like we can cross this one off the list.  It’s still ugly out there.

2) At least some new sports teams won championships this year and we have some long suffering fans happy and thankful.  Alabama’s number one in football?  The damn Patriots are still beating everyone?  Golden State signed Durant?  OK, half thankful.

3) We have our friends.  Oh, half of them unfriended us over the election?  Well, glass half full, right?

4) It’s colder, so we can now find out what winter clothes from last year don’t fit our fat asses now.  What’s that?  Oh right, that’s not something to thankful for.

5)  Um.  Most of us aren’t allergic to peanuts?  We get two days off this week and don’t even have to use sweet, precious vacation days?  Godzilla didn’t attack this year?  See, it’s not all bad.  Be thankful-ish.

6) Lastly, we should be thankful for our friends and family, especially the ones who haven’t put Christmas decorations out yet.  I also am thankful to anyone who helps me raise money for or shares my link – I’m trying to raise $1000.00 for Pets for Patriots by December 13 to benefit shelter pet adoption by military veterans, especially those with PTSD.  If you can’t give, then please share with others via email and/or social media.  Thanks for your help!

https://www.crowdrise.com/pets-and-vets-comedy-benefit-show/fundraiser/petsforpatriots

I had to get a biometric screen (that’s a fancy word for physical) to keep my insurance from going up yet again.  I think I would rather have had my insurance go up.  Anyone have a time machine?

Dr. – Did you fast for the last six hours?

Me – No, was I supposed to?

Dr. – Yes.

Me – Well no one told me to.  Just do the blood work.  I’m not coming back.

Dr. – Your levels will be off, especially if you drank milk.

Me – (How does she know I drank milk?  How fat am I?)  Oh cool, I had almond milk.  Light almond milk, trying to lose weight.

Dr stares at me.  – OK.  (Test results later show Dr. was 100% right or I have preliminary diabetes).

Dr. – You smoke?

Me – No.

Dr. – Ever?

Me – (Who is this Spanish Inquisition motherfucker?  Back off my nuts!) In college.

Dr. – Drink?

Me – (Well Judas priest, I’m toast now.)  A little.  Just like four or five a week.

Dr. stares at me.  Writes something down.  Probably not good.  (Clears throat) Well, let’s check your BMI.  Oooh, you’re higher than before.

Me – Aren’t those all messed up?  I lift weights.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  (Tries to remember last time I lifted weights, imagines that I still have muscle).

Dr. – Um.  Yeah, a little bit.  (Stares at chart that lets me know I went from overweight to obese long enough to send message).

Me – OK, thanks doc.  (Plans to get new doctor or eat nothing but notebook paper and kale until the next visit.)