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Things that annoy me, part one

1. Going to the grocery store after the first of the month and getting stuck behind welfare white trash buying 32 12 packs of Pepsi in the self checkout line.  15 items doesn’t mean you can buy 30 sticks of beef jerky, loser.  2. Wal Mart.  No other explanation needed, see number one.  3. People who make statements and use horrible logic to justify their opinions – example: I was at a party and this guy said “How could anyone be pro-life?”  I said, “Some people have moral problems with abortion.”  His reply?  “Well everyone knows poor people have abortions and poor people just rape and rob people when they get older.  Do you want your wife to get raped?”  Thanks for the debate, Henry Clay.  4. People that hate you for what team you like b/c their team sucks.  My Dad was born outside Pittsburgh.  Sorry, Bengals fan – I like the team my Dad likes.  I didn’t put Jesus on the cross.  5. Hippies.  Your drum circle isn’t stopping the war, douchebags.  6. Guy who calls me a queer for drinking Bud Select when he has a Bud Light in his hand.  Really?  7. People who text you immediately after you hang up the phone.  I’m farsighted and driving.  Let me read your text and slam into the median at 70 mph.  I’m sure it’s important, since you didn’t mention it in our 20 minute conversation.  8. People that invite me to crap on Facebook…in other states.  Sure, I’ll be at your fundraiser for breast cancer in North Carolina or your art show in New Mexico next Tuesday.  I don’t have anything to do that week.  9. Comedy shows with no mike.  “Did you bring one?”  Of course, moron.  I carry a full speaker system in my Malibu.  Should I pull out my drum set too?  Jackass.  10. Lady Gaga.  “I’m so different and an outcast just like you!”  Shut up, millionaire.  I hate you.  11. Politicians.  Shove your talking points up your ass.  12. My iPod earbuds.  I lost the rubber on one, so it randomly shocks my ear.  I know that piece costs 2 cents, but I have to buy new earbuds or deal with it until I snap.  Feel free to comment on this one, I need more material for blogs…

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New page/feature

I have added a “Links” page to the site for other comics’ websites.  Feel free to check them out, but only after you have read every blog and watched every video on my site.  Also, I am not responsible if these sites are not quite as funny as mine, but they did pay me millions of dollars, so I added them and will continue to add sites for under the table payments.

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The wedding crasher

I have been to 52 weddings, 53 is tomorrow.  This is not normal, but I know a lot of people.  There is nothing lamer than a dry reception.  I will not speak of this.  I have been a best man twice, given three best man speeches (long story, but the best man had the oratory skills of a dog turd), a groomsman ten times, and taken off my shirt at three weddings.  My favorite moment was when I sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at a winery in SE Ohio (sadly, I have done this twice, not surprisingly, in SE Ohio).  My least fav was when someone actually taped me dancing at a wedding.  I was so embarrased I gave up drinking for almost 36 hours.  Only like 10 of these 52 weddings have ended in divorce, so I feel like I am a bastion of romance.  When you think of everlasting love and full life committment, think of Chris Coen.  Drunk.  With a wife beater.  Yelling offensive comments to your grandma.  Dancing with scotch on his shirt.  Let’s start a family, America.

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Sad but true

Every once in a while I google my name to see what pops up.  This is something I should not only never do, but hate myself for doing it at all.  I found out a radio station in 2010 put one of my audio clips up for their DC area listeners.  I was at first kind of excited, then annoyed when I realized they never contacted me.  This was followed by the realization that any exposure was great for my career.  At this moment, I looked down and realized there were no comments on act and was again at once deflated, yet relieved no one had been bashing my act for six months without a chance for a witty retort.  I am pathetic.