My kids love the zoo and they serve beer, so I love it too. When the crowds are light, and it’s not too hot, and my daughter doesn’t pick out a $54 elephant toy, that is. I realized this past weekend that while we are focusing on lions, bears and rhinos, the most common species is just walking around uncaged the whole time!
That’s right, everyone, the Appalachian Mud Cricket is all around. A migratory species, she proudly travels north from her home in the rolling hills down to the river valley of central Ohio each weekend. Her offspring, too numerous to count, is close behind, as they are too young to gather food for themselves, like their preferred dietary supplement Mountain Dew or the special treat known as cotton candy. Her mate, usually temporary, can be seen in tow. The male species is often seen in jeans and work boots, despite the sweltering heat, for showing his legs is major detriment in the mating game, although sleeves are removed to keep the male as cool as is possible in the summer.
The female is usually adorned with unfinished tattoos in odd places, shown by her inappropriate apparel that other, more advanced species frown upon. Ill fitting shorts and crop tops are not off limits to the Appalachian Mud Cricket, no matter how many children or meth sores are present! After all, her mate may return to prison at any time and she must begin working on the next.
Overall, the AMC and her mates stand apart by their complete disregard for no smoking signs and foul language in public. Hygiene is also largely ignored by the entire species. Do not confront the AMC, especially ones wearing Tazmanian devil tees. They are aggressive and yell things like “AIN’T NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!” and “SHUT UP BITCH YOU DON’T SKEER ME!” If you hear, “AH NAW YOU DIT INT!” then walk away slowly, maintaining eye contact and hope for cooler weather, when they return to their hibernation lands.