My child fights sleep harder than I fight sobriety. Each night is a Mortal Kombat style showdown to get her to pick PJ’s, which currently is still easier than getting her to lie down. Luckily, I have found a new weapon, my Excalibur in the battle against slumber – Elmo Visits the Dentist and It’s Check-up Time, Elmo!
In the first tale, Elmo’s pal (somehow) is the Big Bad Wolf and he has a toothache, so Elmo helps him visit the dentist. Elmo needs to help Dada visit the eye doc because I can barely read this font in the dark. G looked at me and said, “Glasses off!” Not if you want a legit story, peanut. Last time Dada wung it, Momma said Dada isn’t allowed to make up his own versions of these stories.
The story is nice and long for a kid’s book, which helps G get sleepy, but when the dentist, Dr. Bradley aka Dr. Giggles McHuckster shows up in his floral shirt and drop this joke, it’s honestly hard to utter the words.
If you can’t read it, he says “Does a train have teeth?” “Then how come it can CHOO!” I need a minute. OK, maybe two.
Finally, Elmo gets a check-up from a normal health care provider…at least until this!
Doc starts asking some invasive personal questions. It’s good for kids so you know they’re safe, but as an adult, I ain’t saying nothing. Trying to get my insurance rate up, Doctor Nosy? I went for stomach flu recently to an urgent care. I couldn’t get 12 steps from the bathroom at one point. “Do you smoke?” No. “Did you ever?” Yes, very briefly in the span of my life and not often. “When was that? How often? Still using?” I’M HERE WITH THE SHITS JIMMY. DON’T WORRY THAT I HAD A CIGGY OR TWO AFTER NINE BEERS IN 2004. FIX MY O-RING AND SHUT YER YAP.