Car wreck. How do I know? I went in for an oil change and the mechanic said I was in dire need of tires. I know he was serious because 1) this is the third time they said it and 2) they looked like racing slicks. Fine, what’s the damage? Three tires – $642. Excuse me? “Well you have oversized wheels and there are no specials.” Hmm. Let me get back to you.
A buddy of mine then told me about this place down the street. Why not check it out? It had no sign and when I walked in, no furniture or office type shit, like a fax. An Arabic man came out looking very suprised, like I was interrupting his designs on the capitalist pigs by coming into his fake storefront. My bald eagle didn’t scream, so I knew it was legit. He spoke no English, so I left. His cohort chased me down and told me they sold to the public. So I walked out with three new tires for a cool $30/each.
Knowing that nothing ever goes smoothly, I realized this shady business is currently either using my debit card to steal all my life’s fortunes (joke’s on you bastards, I’m poor) or more likely, I just bought used tires made in a Malaysian sweat shop. The tears of a 9 year old worker/slave mixed in with the polymers, which cause the tire to shred at high speeds, making me crash headlong into a church bus, either killing me or somehow shaving off only my genitals, in which case I kill myself anyways. Oh well, gotta go sometime. At least I saved a couple hundred!