This is the time of year everyone wants to lose weight. You made it through Christmas off the heels of Thanksgiving and football season. You probably have more cheese in your arteries than a Wisconsin dairy farm. Well, you’re in luck. January is the perfect time to lose weight! (Steps outside to run, nostrils instantly freeze, goes back inside and gets a beer). OK, January is the worst time, but here’s some tips to stay slim and trim.
Tip #1: Get a time machine and steal your high school metabolism. Hey, I didn’t say these were good tips, but when I was in high school I ate four Whoppers a day for a week once and didn’t gain weight. Give me that all the live long day.
Tip #2: Diet. Honestly, here’s my best diet tip. Don’t allow any crap food in your presence. I have the will power of a four year old at Diary Queen. My only shot is to remove that crap. I’ve been eating stale Christmas cookies until my wife mercifully tossed them. I didn’t even like the ones that were left, I was just nibbling on ever hardening treats that were like my 27th favorite kinds of cookies like a dog. Keep that crap out of your house and be too lazy to drive to the grocery in the snow – all set!
Tip #3: Exercise! I actually don’t mind exercise. The issue with the BMI chart is that if you have the strength and muscle of a 70 year old grandmother, BMI lists you as morbidly obese. According to my BMI, I’m supposed to weight 170 lbs. I last weighed 170 pounds when I was 14 years old. I’m not getting down to 170 unless I lose both legs stepping on a landmine in my front yard, which is still more likely to happen than me getting to 170 on my own. All that said, move around every chance you get. I have kids, so that’s easy. “Dad, can I have chips? Can I have a juice box? Can you find my stuffie? Can you get the iPad?” I sometimes think my daughter lost her legs stepping on a landmine in the front yard.
Tip #4: Never eat a carb again. This seems to work, but if you have one carbohydrate at any point, you put back on 67 pounds the instant it touches your lips. Good luck with that one.
Tip #5: This is the big Hollywood secret and let me tell you, it works. Just get rich enough to have a dietician and trainer follow you around all day, make all your food and slap you when you look at a doughnut. QUIT BEING POOR YOU FATTY.
There you go – good luck, I’ll be digging in the trash trying to find that last cookie that some people thought was a coaster!