I was reminded of this in a post on Facebook asking about the worst date you’ve ever had, so here goes.
I was set up on a date with a girl I met VERY briefly at a bar by my good “friend” Justin. Our first date was going to a concert – exciting, right? I lived much closer, so she drove to my apartment and we were to leave from there. Cell phones had just become a thing, which was good, because she was late and had to call a couple times for directions. When she rolled in, she pulled out a Michelob from her purse and slammed it down. We got into my car just in time for rush hour traffic in Columbus and she pulled out another Michelob and a bowl. She started smoking weed in my passenger’s seat as I gave her the stinkeye. I’m no square, but broad daylight in rush hour? I had a Buick, not a tinted window limo. She looked over at me quizzically – “Oh, my bad, did you want to hit this?” Sure! Let me steer with my knee on I-270 in rush hour! Not only did she do illegal drugs without asking, she had to be leered at to consider sharing. Someone missed DARE and sharing time in Kindergarten.
The concert was Dream Theater with Queensryche in the early 2000’s. Not bad, but she LOVED Queensryche and I was along for the ride. We got a beer and sat in the grass, when she exclaimed, “Oh, he’s here. He knew I was coming to this concert.” It was her recent ex/baby daddy, whom she bitched about being a deadbeat and a cheater and all manner of scumbag between puffs on the way there. “I have to talk to him really quick. I’m so sorry, I’ll be right back.” She never came back. Like we got there part way into Dream Theater and I sat by myself for their set, the intermission and all of Queensryche ALONE. They did play Silent Lucidity and Jet City Woman, but come on. ALONE. I tried calling her cell to no avail, which was nigh on impossible due to the volume. (There was no texting then, in case you’re wondering.) I went to the bathroom, got a few beers, so there was a chance I missed her, but the venue wasn’t that big.
After the show, I tried calling. No answer. I called 22 times. Nothing. I was there so long, the security guard made me leave. I waited in the parking lot until the bus was leaving. No call back, no answer. Why? I have no idea, I just didn’t want to ditch someone, even if she was a complete bag of shit. So I left, well after 1 am on a weeknight. I had to work at 6:30 am on the opposite site of town also.
I left my phone plugged in downstairs and went to sleep. When I got up at 5:30, I saw a bevy of missed calls (finally) and voicemails from around 4 am. “You ditched me, I’m lost, slurred words mumble mumble you’re an asshole.” I called back, no answer. Finally, we connected on the phone and here’s what happened. She went with her ex for most of the concert (uh, excuse me?) but then they fought so she came looking for me (allegedly). I “ditched her” because apparently I was supposed to set up a tent in case after banging her jail time baby daddy she came calling for her chauffeur. So she hitched a ride with a total stranger!
This is where it got good. She forgot my address and had no GPS, so she would up making this possible serial killer stop at a gas station. She left her purse in the car with tons of cash from bartending in it, which this guy took. She got back in the car and noticed the money was gone, so she jumped out and demanded he return her cash. Without her purse in hand. He peeled out with her purse, cash and God knows what else. She was stranded at a gas station at whatever in the morning and called her poor friend to drive to Columbus from parts unknown to pick her up, which happened. So of course, I was the asshole, because I planned all this to happen to her from the beginning like some criminal mastermind.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THERE WAS NO SECOND DATE. I did talk to her to make sure she wasn’t dead, she whispered something about me stranding her and I may have given my analysis of events and possibly her as a person being what we call in my parts “trailer trash” and a few other things. THE WEDDING WAS OFF! The best part though, was my pal Honk, who is by all accounts, the mouthiest, most abrasive human being alive, ran into her a week later at a bar. He overheard her telling her friends about this Chris guy who ditched her and he absolutely lit her on fire verbally. My matchmaking assclown friend was tending bar and said it was the most gratifying ass chewing he’d even seen, which made it worthwhile.
In summation, if you’re lonely this Thursday, I have about 15 more stories similar to this, like the girl who I went on one date with and then called me 72 times in the next five days because I didn’t call her back at 7:00 when I was out of town at a cookout and her voicemail CLEARLY SAID 7 WAS A GOOD TIME TO CALL BACK. Never mind we had already spoken that afternoon the day after our date. Or the time my neighbor broke into my apartment to stand over me while I was asleep to tell me she loved me and hated me, as I gripped an alarm clock, ready to bash in her skull if she produced a knife. I double locked my door and moved shortly afterwards. ENJOY THE QUIET AND WATCH ROAD HOUSE OR SOMETHING ROMANTIC AND SHUT YER YAP ABOUT BEING SINGLE.