Day 2 of our trip we went to the Magical Kingdom again, but had more time and awareness. We strolled over, met Alice from Alice in Wonderland, so my kids can learn about LSD or whatever Alice is on to see talking cats and pipe smoking caterpillars. CRISIS ALERT – we forgot the damn autograph book. I had to walk all the way back to the hotel to grab it, so I missed the Beauty and the Beast show. TRIP RUINED. I actually worked up a deuce power walking back, but alas, the maid was cleaning when I entered. TRIP RUINED. Thankfully, there was a beach bar bathroom near by and everything at Disney is clean, so I was saved. Seriously, though – any place that can keep bathrooms clean with that many kids deserves national recognition.
I got back in time to meet Gaston, the arrogant villain from Beauty and the Beast. I asked my daughter who was stronger, Dada or Gaston? She unflinchingly said Gaston, so I beat him up in front of two dozen children to send a message. NO ONE FIGHTS LIKE DADA, NO ONE DRINKS LIKE DADA! Get me a beer, LeFou.
My daughter LOVED the Dumbo ride and I loved what happened right after. Maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever had just for the timing happened. We were in the gift shop right after when a girl walked past. I only noticed because of the rainbow hair, but looked closer and the young lady was wearing a bare midriff shirt, black mini skirt, stockings and stripper boots, all black. I leaned over to my wife and muttered, “Hey lady, nice choice of clothes for Disney World.” She replied, “I saw, she’s a guy, not a lady.” I immediately asked, “How do you know…” At that exact second, she hiked her right leg, grabbed a handful of groin and the did the classic self-adjustment move every guy from 13 years old up knows. “Oh never mind.” The timing was perfect. The subtlety, not so much.
Of course, the day before G saw a Kermit the Frog and had to have it. I spent nearly 30 minutes stomping around to find one and finally discovered he isn’t sold everyday, but the employee went and got one for me from storage. Disney staff is the best. Of course, G had already lost interest by the time we were done with lunch, but I appreciated the effort regardless. We then went on to meet Winnie the Pooh and the donkey – don’t ask me to spell his name. Eyor? Eeor? E-OR? The donkey.
YES WE WERE WEARING MATCHING/COORDINATED SHIRTS. WHOMEVER STARTED THIS TREND CAN GO TO HELL AND I WILL ADDRESS IT NO MORE.
After all this, we began to head back, but I ducked over to Liberty Square to see the Hall of Presidents. I missed the show, but got to see the lobby. Turns out Mr. Disney was a big Lincoln fan.
By the way, if your kids have trouble sleeping, take them to the Magic Kingdom. They were knocked out. I walked over 12 miles, according to my phone. If you yourself have trouble sleeping, walk 12 miles. Or have kids. Or drink.