We took our first family vacation last week. Actually, our first trip since the honeymoon – we had a honeymoon baby, so our family trips are usually to Target. My wife dropped that we should go to Walt Disney World and all the blood ran out of my body. It takes us five days to prepare to go to the zoo, let alone another state. That’s one thing single me had no idea about. Want to travel? Grab some underwear, cash and make sure you have a charger. Want to travel with two kids – one who got an ear infection the week before and one who got an upper respiratory infection? Cold weather clothes, warm weather clothes, swimsuits, swim diapers, regular diapers, nighttime diapers, ponchos, ear drops, gas drops, lotions, creams, hats, sunglasses, toys, books, sound machine, more toys, more medicine, coats, more clothes (all Disney, btw), activity books for the plane, candy for the plane, wipes, and more. Look at the weather every day, then look again. Look at flight times, look again. Find someone to watch the dog, feed the cat, make sure the fish doesn’t die. SNACKS. SNACKS ALL DAY. ALL THE SNACKS. I almost forgot to pack my own stuff.
The flight went surprisingly well and I didn’t even have to sneak booze into the kids! It’s illegal to ship children, also. I checked. We used a friend of mine for the planning and I would highly recommend that if you are traveling with children. Disney has it all, if you are shooting for convenience. They take your checked bags right to your room, there’s a Magical Express (everything is Magical also – they use that word like the Smurfs use the word Smurf) that takes you to the hotel and back and they play cartoons and videos the whole time. This was all great, because after illness and air pressure on your ears, no one could even hear one another. We were all screaming like a gaggle to senior citizens getting off a tour bus at a Casino. “I think it’s on the left!” “WHAT?” “THE LEFT!” “WE LEFT WHAT?”
The hotel was really nice and there was a bar just a couple hundred yards away, so my mood improved about 900%. BRING ON THE MAGIC SHIT, MOUSE. Side note – everyone there is super friendly. The staff – all of them – say hello and have a nice day and good morning. I was greeted as I walked in to check in before I even got to the desk and was offered water. Everyone has stickers for the kids (or adults, whatever). Our room was ready hours before check in. I didn’t trust anyone. No one is this nice. Then I remembered what everything cost. Oh, that’s why.
Day one we went to the Magic Kingdom. It’s the main Disney park. When you think Disney, this is the epicenter. I will say this about Disney also – not one piece of trash to be seen (well not on the ground, at least – as for the guests…). We got to meet Tinkerbell early for a picture and that was another thing that was impressive. These actors break character less than the guards at Buckingham Palace. All my sarcasm and snide comments were met with comments about pixie dust and pirates.
You know what didn’t impress me, though? ADULTS WHO GET THEIR PICTURES TAKEN WITH DISNEY CHARACTERS. If you must, make it quick. We got stuck behind a few that acted like they were doing Cosmo cover shoots. I HAVE KIDS YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE, GROW UP AND MOVE YOUR ASS. My wife said, “Oh like you wouldn’t be doing this if Captain America or Lincoln was here.” Well, did Tinkerbell defeat the Nazis? What’s that? There weren’t any Nazis when Lincoln was president – EXACTLY. THANKS HONEST ABE FOR DOING YOUR JOB.
The high point of day one was meeting Snow White and Dopey. My daughter pulls her sleeves over her hands and says she’s Dopey. We’ve seen Snow White probably 30 times, not counting the times she just makes me play the songs on repeat. They opened a special dinner event with Snow White at one of the resorts. I had to check over a dozen times and finally a spot opened up. I was so excited and then I thought, at what point in your life did you think you would be thrilled to meet an adult in a dwarf costume?
I got to meet my favorite Disney character Grumpy and the food was amazing. I also saw the bill and highly recommend getting the meal plan, which I did. If not, stuff all the grub you can into your pockets. They even had a cocktail for me that had smoke coming out of the glass and poison apple dessert – it’s not really poison, in case you were wondering. I’m still here.
Everyone slept like a dead body and my feet were swollen to where I considered getting a scooter, but we survived and got ready for day two. More to come later. Stay magical or whatever.