Well, as I’m typing this, I’m technically on “vacation” aka my kids didn’t get sick, so I’m using days off before I lose them. I don’t suffer from depression, but if I lost a vacation day, I would burn down 73% of this damn city. The plan was that I would meet my wife at the movies to watch Black Panther and drink some drafts, but on the way to work for my half day, we found out the sitter’s kid had lice and our kids were home. VACATION BABY! Time to wash everything we own, including my daughter’s 447 stuffed animals! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!
Not the worst though. Oh no, here’s the best of the rest!
Appalachia – High school Chris takes his pal Honk with the parents to Tennessee. My parents wanted to go to somewhere in Tennessee, I don’t remember, so I drug my friend along. The highlight was on the way we stopped to piss and there was a mountain with a concrete luge. Hell yeah! These rednecks with weird skin color patches told me and Honky Tonk not to release the brake fully or we would wreck, then let us race on the dual tracks. Well, because I am also a redneck and not one to listen to anyone, I fully released the brake. I was kicking his ass and in a show of intelligence, turned around to taunt my friend with various insults. My lead quickly evaporated as I hit a 90 degree turn near the bottom at 35 mph. I could have leaned into it, but I didn’t listen to the billies and was facing backwards like an ass, so I launched into the air and the first thing to hit the concrete at full speed was my neck. I realized why the billies had weird skin patches – it had been ripped off via concrete. The rest of the trip I had to turn with my whole waist to look left and right, since I couldn’t move my neck. Oh and Honk beat me in a testosterone version of the tortoise and the hare.
Cancun – Quick summation: scummy college student exploiting website took our money, then said they “overbooked.” Got flight out of Pittsburgh by finding loophole to stick them with ticket to Atlanta. Flight to Cancun delayed thanks to engine. Spend 14 hours in airport. Fly to Cancun, hotel given to others. Half sleep in tiki bar with 19 others as Mexican children steal our shoes. Friend threatens local travel site office with violence via a baseball bat – we get four star hotel for week. Flight back falls through. Repeat, but in Mexico.
Italy – Honeymoon. We leave Venice for Florence. Miss train by 10 minutes. Strange Middle Eastern guys try to pinch me for luggage by surrounding me in tunnel under tracks. I told him to “back the fuck off” and he made a slashing motion by his throat and his three companions who had suddenly appeared behind me from a hallway disappeared. Then we missed bus in Florence by five minutes. Another 4 hour delay. Then bus in Poggibonzi goes an hour the wrong direction and we miss check in in San Gimignano by an hour. No one has cell service, so I bride the last restaurant open and get the owner of our B&B out of bed to let us in. We drink the only bottle of Jim Beam in Italy and pass out for 11 hours.
