I hate mosquitoes, aka, Nature’s Ramsay Boltons. The bug version of Jared from Subway. The six legged guy who drinks all your beer when you’re not looking, aka Chris Coen 1998-2004. They are the WORST. I googled mosquitoes for a picture, first story – 7 year old Ohio boy gets encephalitis from a damn mos…flying asshole bug. They don’t deserve a name. Dickbag with wings that bites.
I tried to find a way to avoid the hovering colostomy bags. The advice from the dumb interwebs I got was to not “swat or provoke” them. WHAT? Hey Siri, how do I deal with a burglar? “Let them take your shit.” Well, that was useless. So I decided to tell mos…pimples inside your ear with wings and long biting ugly faces…things I like more than them.
Things I like more than you.
Getting kicked in the balls by my kids. Getting headbutted in the balls by my dog. Getting my balls ripped off in a fly fishing accident. Getting burned with a cigarette. Accidentally drinking an ashcan at a party. Accidentally drinking a spitter at a party. Having my wife tell me “she has a project in mind” for the house. Getting fired. Getting set on fire. Getting set on fire after being fired. Running out of beer and being too drunk to get more. Dieting. Telemarketing calls. Political telemarketing calls. Seeing people’s really smart political posts on Facebook every six minutes. Putting pets down. Taking the day off work and find out they got free pizza. Hangovers. Food poisoning. Being sick where I can’t breathe through my nose. Finding out I’m too fat for my pants and I either have to not eat for three days or buy new pants. Back hair. Ass hair. My eyebrow hair after 35. Hemorrhoids. Being pulled over. When the cat brings a live bird in the house. When that bird is a Jehovah’s Witness. Getting my debit card stolen. Talking to strangers about the weather. Cleaning up puke and/or shit. Flies, maggots, spiders, rabid wolverines, dragons, or politicians. Gluten free stuff. Diary free ice cream. Communists…barely. And lastly, finding hair in my food.
That’s all I have for now, mos…dog shit on my shoe of the insect world. Burn in hell, come back to life and burn again. I hate you.