I have thought about this topic for a while. First, I hate when people use “us” when they are talking about themselves, but I’m using the internet to get this blog out, so to avoid being a smug ass, I used it. Second, I’m not saying there’s going backwards, so hold your eye rolls. My point is just that the internet is making people worse human beings.
Let’s start light for this blog. Movies. When I grew up, movies were reviewed by a couple really pretentious guys on TV or in papers, but generally you saw movies that 1) looked interesting 2) were about a topic or story you cared about 3) had actors/actresses you liked or 4) your family or friends recommended them. You enjoyed them or didn’t and told others your opinion. Now, thanks to the internet, EVERY MOVIE IS SHIT AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER BY A PERSON WITH A BLOG.
I will avoid spoilers, but the current biggest movie (and maybe biggest ever) is Avengers: Infinity War. It reached $1 billion faster than any movie in history. I finally saw it and the next day, saw three articles on Facebook or my email website about how it made money, but really wasn’t that good…while it’s making hundreds of millions of dollars in a week.
Here’s the beef, because of course, I clicked on the articles. “It had too many characters.” It’s a war, it’s supposed to, moron. Wars aren’t fought with six people. “It left out ______.” I’m not joking, that was in the same article. In other words, there are too many people, but you forgot one person, maybe two, from one Marvel movie in the last ten years. It went on – “There wasn’t enough dialogue for _____.” Well, the movie wasn’t seven hours, so yes, they didn’t have Captain America reading the Lincoln Douglas debates to Corvus Glaive. They didn’t give Groot fifteen minutes of “I AM GROOT.” “There were too many men!” I THOUGHT WE DIDN’T LOOK AT GENITALIA ANYMORE. SHUT YOUR HOLE. Also, tons of female superheroes, so dumb point, but nice try, stupid.
I had to take a paragraph break to catch my breath. I hate the internet right now. OK, here goes.
“They gave the Guardians director power over the script but not the Black Panther director, so it’s racist.” BLACK PANTHER CAME OUT THREE MONTHS AGO. THERE’S NO WAY THEY WERE GOING TO REDO THE MOVIE. IT WAS DONE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MOVIES WORK. IT’S NOT A CARTOON WHERE YOU CAN DO ONE IN A WEEK. “There was a inconsistency in Gamora’s backstory!” There were movies made by different writers and directors for the last ten years. You’re lucky all the actors are still alive, let alone someone took the time to analyze one sentence from a movie that came out four years ago and compare it to a scene in this movie. 15 years ago, before Marvel started making movies, all you nerds were crying about no superhero movies about your favorite character and not one person gave a squirt of piss about Gamora’s backstory. Go run into traffic and ban yourself from watching a movie ever again.
I had to stop there. Enjoy the movie or get a job being a legit movie critic. Go watch the fish sex weirdo movie with your snobby douche friends and sew your lips shut before you ruin my day again. Sadly, this is the most benign criticism of the internet, but I’ll start here. It makes really uninteresting and untalented people think their opinions are worthwhile. DID YOU MAKE A BILLION DOLLAR CASH COW, INTERNET MOVIE ELITIST? NO? THEN STUFF YOUR REVIEW WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, WHICH IS EVERYWHERE IN YOUR MISERABLE CLOUD OF A LIFE.