When I was a kid, I loved the woods. I had poison ivy so many times I couldn’t count. We caught crawdads, put up rope swings, built forts and had a blast. I realized in yet another way, I am not a child anymore.
My wife’s cat (not OUR cat) decided to bring three living chipmunks and three dead ones into the house in the last month. I thought I preferred the dead ones until I found one stuffed in a closet. I don’t know how long it had been there, but it wasn’t five minutes by the smell. I nearly sanitized the room with fire.
Last night, my daughter went outside. Every night, she likes to say good night to the lightning bugs and moon. It’s very cute. I opened the door and the fresh out of the butthole skunk smell hit me in the face. We were outside ten seconds and it stuck to our clothes like glue. I had to change clothes on both of us, while my wife lit candles and sanitize washed our clothes. I live in Columbus, which is in the top 20 largest cities in the United States, btw. Not Pine Holler, Louisiana.
All this combined with the mosquito bite I got on the bottom of my foot (which will literally drive me insane) has led me to one solution: time to build a vault like Fallout. Sure, some Radroaches may slide in, but I’m also designing power armor and a baseball bat with a chainsaw attached. I plan on drinking DDT until it emanates from my skin like a holy glow. So goodbye, outdoors! I’ll see you when I run out of alcohol!
