Here’s a brief synopsis of our founding, in case you fell asleep in history. The snobby British were all, “Give us your money, we need more tea and crumpets and red dye for our coats.” Merica was all, “Aw hell naw” and slapped bumper stickers on their horses that said “Our George can beat up your George.” They were all like, you want some tea, bitch? Then they dumped all the tea on earth in the water cause Mericans drink beer like badasses not wimpy tea. That other George got all kinds of mad and tried to fight us at Lexington and Concord, but that was real dumb cause the worst thing you can do is poke a Merican cause then we kick all the ass and beat them out of Boston.
The lobsterbacks made a pact with Satan and almost upset GW in New York because there wasn’t no way that was possible otherwise, but then a bald eagle flew down from Freedom Mountain and gave him an AR15 and Captain America’s shield from the future and he killed 7 million Hessians and British in four minutes in New Jersey because no one wants to be in New Jersey that long anyways. We also beat them down at Saratoga and stopped Canada from sending in death squads of beavers all hopped up on maple syrup.
Then Benedict Arnold went NWO on Merica so we got Sting’s great great great Grandpa to get a bat and come down from the rafters and team up with the Swamp Fox and kick that British guy from the Patriot movie’s butt and Arnold’s too and no one has ever been named Benedict ever again in this country.
Then GW was all “Time for my finishing move.” He and a bunch of Mericans and a couple Frenchies dropped some crane kicks at Yorktown and then got drunk on Sam Adams’s beer for like ten years straight and didn’t let another British guy party over here until Ozzy and Mick Jagger came along. The Frenchies couldn’t hang so they got all mad and plus we took their French fries and put cheese and chili on them and made them way better. Then Patrick Henry invented football and monster trucks and the rest is history.