Comedians don’t ask much from the crowd – 99% of us are attention craving lunatics who do jokey time because therapy is expensive. There are just a few simple requests we have for comedy fans. We appreciate you coming out, we like to entertain you. Just a few small things though.
Please talk to us – just not as we are walking up to the stage, while the other comics are performing, during our set or while we are selling stuff afterwards (more on that later). OK, only talk to us before the show or after, basically. I was on a show once and a guy leaned over to me while my friend was on. “Is she funny?” I pointed to the stage, not saying a word so as not to interrupt. My pal said one sentence and he leaned back over. “Hope you’re better than this.” Well, you listened to one sentence, so I hope you give me at least three – I may have a paragraph that will grab you.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES body block the crowd after the show while I’m selling shit. I have had countless times a drunk guy has walled off the exit and told me I was funny, then proceeded to tell about me about other comics they like while dollar bills are just running out the door. There is NOTHING worse than that – I would rather be heckled. “Oh wow, please tell me about other comics better than me you saw four years ago, while my gas money is being set on fire with every passing guest.”
For the love of God, don’t ask me how to get into stand up, then ask for advice on jokes. Do a show, then I know I am not wasting time. “How do you fly a helicopter?” Are you a pilot? “No, man – but I’m thinking about it.” Then come back when you get into flight school.
Don’t invite me to your trailer to watch dirty movies, then call me gay for not going with you. This actually happened to me in West Virginia. “You’re funny. We should go drink some beers. My trailer isn’t far – we could watch some pornos and drink beers.” Um, sorry, I have a long drive. “What? You don’t like seeing naked women? Are you a fag?” Yes, huge homosexual. (He walked away, stunned. I was equally as confused.)
Last request – enjoy the show. I’m not everyone’s favorite comic, but I’ve done over a thousand shows in front of thousands of people for almost a decade. I can make you laugh if you quit talking at the table, put your phone away and don’t go in pissed off at life. And if you still hate me, there’s a completely different person on before and/or after me. Relax and get your money’s worth. Don’t buy a ticket to a comedy show and not pay attention, you can not pay attention for free anywhere else.
That’s about it for now. Thanks for coming out. Hope you enjoyed the show. Don’t wall off my merch table. Watch your skin flicks by yourself. We’ll get along just fine.