I never thought I would be in this position, but I have officially become old enough to say, “Oh you just wait!” and “You don’t remember _____? What’s wrong with you young people?” It’s depressing.
That said, here’s some advice for my friends that still have that thing called youth. Yes, older readers, I know it’s worse for you.
Things just start popping and hurting. When I was in my 20’s I tore a hamstring playing softball. Probably because I was chugging a beer before my at bat vs. stretching. Yesterday, I felt something pop in my heel. I was standing still. I chugged no beers. It just popped. We’ll see want disastrous injury is looming once I actually move.
You had better plan your drinking. I think I drank water 4 or 5 times in my 20’s. Now, if I’m planning on drinking, I’m ordering waters before, during and after. I can’t switch drinks or I get a hangover. I had four drinks last year and was hungover because three of them were different. Oh, and stay away from shots – all the crazy stuff is gone, but morning after is worse. 20 year old Chris did shots, someone was jumping off a roof for a laugh. Now Chris does a shot he wishes he jumped off a roof.
Get ready for a full blown therapy session every time you look in the mirror. “What in the hell is that eyebrow doing? Do I need to get a stronger contact prescription? Is that really hair growing on my back/arm/ear/nose?”
It’s not all bad though, as older age and life changes have brought some positive things.
Once you have a kid, you can do whatever you want, sort of. “Hey, you should come to our party. Sure, it’s mostly so my wife can try to sell your wife makeup, but it’s basically a party!” Ooooooohhh, my kid, um, hasn’t been feeling well. Thanks though!” Guilt free walk away, oh yeah.
You can act like everything was better back in the day and no one can call you out. “Did you watch ____?” Me: “Oh, no, I’m not really into that show. Have you ever seen the A-Team?” “No.” “Oh man, that was when TV was really great. So well done.” “I wish I’d seen it!” (Me: Every episode was exactly the same. It wasn’t even really very good, in retrospect. Oh well, at least I don’t look like an ass for not watching whatever show he’s talking about.)
You don’t need alarm clocks, because you wake up earlier than your alarm! OK, that should be in the shitty section of this blog, but at least you won’t get fired from your job.
That’s about it – check out my next show Saturday, May 27 at 9 pm at Shrunken Head. Girls, gags and giggles. Great if you like trivia, burlesque, comedy or the letter G. Details in the “Shows” section of this site. See you there!