I have a horrible secret

Well, it’s time to just come out with it.  I’ll explain.  I found three white hairs in my eyebrows this week, plus another one curling straight up like a movie villain.  I can’t read without contacts or glasses – menus, my phone, any printed words.  I found a white nose hair that nearly did me in.  I can crack every single joint in my body – jaw, neck, wrist, hips…I cracked my knee today tying my shoe.  I pulled a muscle in my foot without even picking it up off the ground.

What does all this mean?  It means I’ve actually been dead for at least four years, kept alive by a voodoo shaman or thanks to all the shitty food I eat loaded with salt and preservatives, plus all the copious amounts of booze, which has kept my lifeless corpse from rotting away completely.  I was going to try and get back into shape, but either way, whether the black magic of a necromage or liquor saturation, there’s literally nothing I can do.  Guess I’ll just keep drinking and hope for the best.  (From the back of the room) “Hey, wait until you hit your forties!”  OH GOD IT GETS WORSE?!  THROW HOLY WATER ON ME UNTIL I BURN AWAY!