Conversations with my dog

My wife shared an article with me that said dogs not only pick up tone, but what you are actually saying.  That’s right.  Someone probably got a $20 million grant from your tax money to tell you your dog basically understands spoken language.  Hmm, well good, my dog is an idiot!

I have recently decided to test this, by having these one way discussions with my 6 month old pup.  Hopefully, some of these words sink in; after all, it’s science.

“How can your poop stink that badly? Good Lord, you eat the same thing for every meal.”

(After eating food off the table when I turned my back) “You are the worst dog on Earth.  I’ve seen German Shepards on black and white documentaries that were better behaved than you.”

(After escaping the fenced in back yard, yet again.) “Do you actually do anything, other than start the process of a stroke in my brain?  One that will hit me randomly, maybe 3 decades from now?”

(After trying to eat my shoes, again) “I make you into shoes if you touch my shoes one more time.”  (She grabbed my shoes three minutes later, I didn’t make her into shoes…yet.)

(After biting me in the head to wake me up) “I’m going to spray paint “4 sale” on you and hope some poor bastard gives me a buck for your worthless ass.”  (She didn’t stop)

Well, science is wrong on this one, so stuff it eggheads.  I guess the world is flat and dogs don’t know English, because she is trying to eat my shoes again.