After 10 years of comedy, here’s some dumb advice

I have a pretty good memory, but I really don’t remember when I started stand-up exactly, but it was some time in May 2007, so I know now it’s been over ten years.  I remember I saved the first $40 I got paid and was going to frame it with the show flyer, then I ran out of Busch Light and remembered I am a man, so I don’t or can’t frame stuff, so the money was gone within about two weeks.  Oh well.  In all that time, I learned a lot and even more importantly, made some mistakes, so here’s some advice for other comics, especially new ones.

1.  The harder you work, the faster you get you what you want.  Not everybody has the same goals, but I guarantee you, if you have the goal of getting paid and after two years can’t kill 15-20 minutes, you need to write more.  If you’re doing the same five minutes at every show for a year and nothing is happening, write more material.  If you’re brand new and you do one open mic, especially the same one over and over, once a week, you won’t get better.  If you don’t record your set – audio or video – you won’t remember your set well enough to use it and get better.  I used to walk around my condo and practice five minute and longer sets with a TV remote in my hand to work on my timing and memorize my material.  Now I can wake up from a dead sleep and do 30 minutes.  I didn’t say it was good, but I can fill the time.  All it took was walking around like a crazy person talking to myself for a couple years!

2.  Challenge yourself, but don’t be an idiot.  I encourage comics to take on new rooms; it makes you better.  I did all women’s shows, college crowds, redneck biker bars, coffee shops and everything in between.  Nothing makes you think about your set like the feeling that everyone may hate your guts.  That said, if you can’t do five minutes clean, don’t sign up with a booker to do a 25 minute feature set at a church.  The crowd will turn on you, the booker won’t use you ever again and the room may be outright cancelled.  I’ve seen comics single-handedly kill off rooms more than once.  At least don’t kill off the room until I’ve done it and got paid; then you can destroy it.

3.  You’re not the last savior of the First Amendment, you’re a comedian.  I get infinitely annoyed when a comic bombs and yells, “Oh you guys can’t handle someone speaking the truth!”  Yes, I have heard this, or its close cousin – “That crowd was uptight; that’s the only reason I bombed” and “That wasn’t my room.”  Quick note:  The First Amendment gives you freedom to criticize your government without worrying you’ll be run to the gallows.  It doesn’t mean that hundreds of thousands of American soldiers died so you could tell that joke about race or sexual assault that no one has ever laughed at, but hey, I guess every single crowd member ever is just uptight and hates America.  In other words, if you’re bombing, don’t think you are Patrick Henry.

4.  Get paid and don’t feel bad.  I want to smack comedians that want to give back money or take less for shows.  Think of how many shitty, godawful rooms you did well in when you started where you got a slap on the back and maybe $5, which didn’t cover your gas.  Get your money when you can.  Also, if you’re setting a room up, make sure you are getting something.  I had a comic I respected come to an open mic I ran.  This person was grumbling about a show they ran and hated it – wished it would close down.  I said, “Well, at least you have some income on a regular basis.”  “Oh, I don’t get paid to run that show.”  “Then why do it?”  There was a pause.  “I’m not sure.”  Unless you consider yourself a true artist, then pass the paying rooms to me and keep your integrity.

5.  Marketing yourself.  I think the most overrated part of stand-up is marketing.  So many new comics focus on social media over material these days.  If you are a sub-par comic, marketing won’t get you work.  I once saw a business card for a brand new comic – no email, no website, but the tag said “Look me up on Facebook!”  Sigh.

That said, you really do need a halfway normal headshot (please don’t take one looking like you just sat on a cactus or wearing a jester hat), a good five minute video clip to send to bookers and festivals, and an email you check every other day, at least.  No one books comics via Twitter, but it can help spread your name if you have legit credentials.  No one gets work off Facebook posts, but they can remind people about shows or booking you for things.  I get really annoyed when I book comics who bitch about not getting work, then never promote the show I’m putting them on – so you can put up 34 anti-Trump or Obama posts and talk about your breakfast, but not mention the show you have this weekend?  Lastly, have an intro or short bio.  It doesn’t have to be earth shattering, but have something.  I booked an out of comic off a recommendation and I have never wanted to punch a human being so bad in my life.  “What’s your intro?”  “I’m a funny dude.”  Staring.  “OK, that’s your intro?”  “Man, I don’t care.”  “I have to say something, just give me something.”  “Say he thinks he’s funny.  No, don’t use that.”  Me, turning purple because I still have to check the mic, move tables and turn off the TV.  “Any shows coming up?  Anything?”  “I don’t care.”  He was up next and I walked up, “Your next comic is on now.”  I walked off the stage before he got up.  Enjoy the intro asshole.

I could give more advice, but that’s all.  I can’t reveal all the secrets of being a millionaire comedian at once!  (Looks for $40 in old drawers from first paid show at bowling alley)