I decided to recap my worst show experiences by state, and why not start with Michigan? (Nothing personal, that’s the first show that came to mind).
- I did a show at a restaurant/bar in Coldwater once. The headliner went to the wrong city, because why wouldn’t he? About 30 minutes to go time, the owner said, “Where’s your buddy?” Excuse me? Ah, you mean the headliner I’ve never met, but already hate because he’s late. “Well, you have to cover his time.” Can you delay the show? “Sure!” They literally, and not like everyone misuses literally, as in stone cold truth they delayed the show two minutes. Two. I whispered to the emcee to please stretch out the announcements. He went up and said, “Here’s your first comic, Chris Coen.” I did an hour, ran out of material and started telling drinking stories from college. I was about to start singing when the headliner walked in, 90 minutes after the show time. I made him be my DD that night.
- Another one in southern Michigan I was the feature for a man wearing a full body clown outfit, plus makeup and a top hat with sequins. After the show, he told me my watch was too flashy and distracted the crowd. He wasn’t kidding.
- I did a show in late December in Sault Ste. Marie, on the Upper Peninsula. There was so much snow, I got stuck getting off the highway. On the off ramp. Luckily, I got out and did the show in a casino cafeteria with no stage or special lighting. I felt like I died a little that night, but then I had to drive across the UP the next day to get to Milwaukee and then I really felt like I died. I saw more closed businesses and yeti than people.
- Finally, my favorite. My pal and I did a show in northern Michigan at a casino. The stage was on top of a bar five feet over six people’s heads sitting at the bar, then there was a cavernous dance floor with no seating for 40 feet, then about twelve tables in the way back. The setup was horrendous. As the show began, I started in, barely looking at the six people in the front, since they were so far under my line of sight. A man began yelling at me. I figured he was drunk, but realized he was mentally impaired. I let it go. My buddy decided to play the white knight. As we passed each other, he muttered, “I got that guy.” I rasped “DON’T DO IT!” He sat the mike stand behind him with his back to the crowd, but was going after the guy, who he hadn’t seen yet from the back or stage. “Sir, I’ll bet you’ve been unlucky at the casino tonight, because it looks like (he whirled to face the man at that moment) you’ve been unlucky in life!” His face completely dropped as he realized he just insulted a man with severe mental handicaps and had the worst set I’ve ever seen him have. One member of the crowd loved it – I was laughing so hard at the awkwardness I nearly lost my voice that night.