I went to the dentist yesterday. I did my normal pre-dentist routine which is to exclaim, “Holy shit, I need to floss this month!” in order to not to get yelled at repeatedly. I then proceeded to eat brownies and chug black coffee to ruin whatever remnant of white teeth I had left the morning of the visit.
Remember when you were a kid and sometimes the dentist was OK and every once in a while they hit your gums with the tools and it sucked? Well, it’s like that as an adult, except the hygienist hard sells dental care like you’re at a time share being held under the threat that they have your kids and pets held hostage somewhere remote. Of course you can’t say anything, because they have a needle of steel poking at your mouth. Oh and you are getting mouth shamed the whole time. “I see you don’t floss every six minutes. Hmmm. Are you using an electric brush?” A gargled no escapes my sore and slobbery mouth. “Oh really? Are you grinding your teeth? I see stress lines.” Well, I will tonight if you keep this interrogation rolling.
The products are numerous as the stars in the sky also. “We have an oral cancer screen. (OK, maybe) It’s not covered by insurance (NO!), but it’s worth it.” No reaction from me. She steps it up. “Well, even though you don’t use tobacco they’ve found…” A bunch of stats buzz out of her piehole, but I am already thinking of ways to fall asleep with my eyes open. “Have you thought about the crooked tooth you have?” I did, then I started drinking when I was in high school and suddenly quit giving a shit about a lot of things. “Gum disease is a serious issue – did you know the bacteria from periodontal disease increases your chances of Alzheimer’s?” I’ll be dead long before that, sister. Probably cirrhosis. Does alcohol clean teeth? If so, I won’t be back for a while.