I was at work when a co-worker came in and immediately said, “I had a weird night last night.” I was interested, and boy was it worth paying attention to. Sometimes when people say that, they proceed to tell you boring things like “My internet went down for no reason!” Then you’re all, “Oh wow!” (continues typing without eye contact). Not the case – here’s the story.
“I was riding bikes with my girlfriend and we ran into a group. They asked if we wanted to ride along to their event – free beer and a movie. We said sure. The group was a little different – a lot of curly mustaches and purple haired girls. We got to the end of the run and a guy talked about his new movie while they passed out free beer. Someone said “Have you heard of bikesmut? No? You can leave if you’re uncomfortable.” Then they played a movie that had pornos mixed with people riding bikes, sometimes naked bike riding, sometimes not. We left pretty quickly then.”
I had to ask, “I have a question. Actually several questions. A lot of questions. Who in the hell needs to add a bike to sexy time?” Seriously. I’ve never heard of someone in the throes of passion and been like, “We need a bicycle immediately.” Then I said, “Why didn’t you leave when the guy with the handlebar stache said you can leave if it gets weird?” He replied his radar was on, but he had a beer. That’s a fair answer. I get that. Free beer is a powerful lure.
I then had to ask, and I wish I hadn’t. “What kind of porn? What in the hell mixes with bike riding?” He said everything – all girls, all guys, etc. Dear sweet Ulysses Grant’s ghost. A pansexual bike group with alt film interests. Better play the powerball. He then asked the million dollar question – “Is this a thing? Am I just out of the loop?” No. Well, you’re out of that loop, and that’s probably good. I tend to be well versed in the weird and I hadn’t heard about this in the darkest fringes of the internet. The lesson is this – if someone says “You can leave if it gets weird.” then you get the blue hell out of there and don’t look back, lest you become Lot’s wife looking back on Gomorrah and turn into a pillar of salt. This also reinforces Coen’s rule of life #14. When you can wear headphones or earbuds over talking to a stranger, you always come out better.